A Desire to be more “Naturally N’awlins”

They were born in Charlotte, spent some time in Oklahoma City, and now they’re full-fledged locals. But the New Orleans Hornets still don’t sound like they’re from here.

That’s why the top brass at NBA Corporate Headquarters has hired New York marketing and branding experts BrandEssence and Partners to develop a list of new names for the team.

The list, released this morning and printed below, is a result of months of meticulous research by the naming experts, said a league source.

• The Grits
• The Gumbos
• The Roux
• The Flashers
• The Swamp Tours
• The Riverboat Queens
  
• The Open Containers

“We think this list really captures the Spirit of New Orleans—what the city is all about,” said Harvey Mankowitz, Creative Director of Leveraged Brand Integration and Marketing Planning.

“We worked really hard to get this right. We even sent researchers to interview people in Houston and Atlanta to really understand what New Orleans is all about and turned up some really compelling insights.

“For example, it turns out that gumbo is actually a form of soup that they eat down there, which we didn’t know,” said Mankowitz. 

“We understand that it’s also delicious.”

Local fans will be able to choose the winner by texting in their favorites.

“I got a bag full of weed, a Whitman’s Sampler, and I’m off the pill. We’re going to the Fly.”
--Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly

“I’m going to Gordon’s of Gretna to get some plastic flowers. They last all year.”
--C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown

“My man loves it when I melt Velveeta over a Hubig’s in the microwave.”
--Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City

“I’m taking one of my baby mamas on a romantic date night away at the Texas Motel.”
--Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore

“Kenny’s Key West, a couple of buttery nipples, and sex in the back of a limo by A Confidential.”
--Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District

“There’s really no difference between Mardi Gras Beads and Anal Beads. Besides, they keep getting bigger every year.”
--Lance Fratinelli, Freelance Jewelry Designer, Fabourg-Marigny

The New Orleans Vieux Carre Commission today announced that Salaam’s Daiquiri Cold Beer and T-Shirt Café on Bourbon Street has been awarded Landmark Preservation Status.

First opened in 1978, Salaam’s is the oldest surviving example of T-shirt shop architecture.

“All the classic elements are there,” said architecture critic Mathis Eskew of the Tulane University School of Architecture.

“You’ve got 12-foot high frontage windows packed with jester hats and feather boas, alligator-shaped Christmas lights, and offensive, sophomoric T-shirts stacked twenty high.”

“It’s not just about architecture; it’s about history. These shining, authentic examples of New Orleans culture must be preserved for future generations to study and enjoy.”

“I am humbled that the city has bestowed this honor on my shop,” said owner Mr. Salaam.

“Who would have known that plastic boob shapes, marijunana-leaf beads, and dozens of novelty hot sauces would end up being so important to the cultural fabric of our city.”

A gold plaque will be placed on the outside of the store, next to a revolving rack of pornographic postcards.

The vital New Orleans Ghost Tour industry has been rocked by numerous sightings of one of its most famous former practitioners: slain Ghost Tour guide Bartholemew Samson.

Numerous sights of the late Mr. Samson, who led ghost tours for 15 years, have been reported on St Ann Street in the French Quarter.

South Georgia Cosmetic Surgeon Association Convention attendee Doctor Ed Clarence Boney alleges visual evidence.

“From where I was standing I could make out his top hat, cane, rose-colored spectacles and double chin.”

“I was haunted, to say the least.” 

Quarter rat Danny Simeon corroborates Dr. Boney’s story.

“It seemed he was leading a tour of like specters, all from out of town. Ghosts from such places as Cheyenne, Cleveland, Sacramento. I could clearly see them shades ain’t from here.”

In a statement to The Creole-Tomato via Ouija Board, Samson said:

“In retrospect, dying under mysterious circumstances was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.” 

“There are plenty of other ghosts out there who always wanted to visit New Orleans before they died, but never had the chance.  I was lucky enough to be able to find an untapped market of ghosts who want a tour of the New Orleans living.”

For this Valentine’s  Day the Creole-Tomato has reviewed some of the finer local offerings to take the guesswork out of your special date. 

Huge Ass Beer, Wilkinson Alley (Orleans Parish, Louisiana) Reserve 2008 ($5): Tasted side-by-side with their regular normal sized beer, the superiority of the Huge Ass Beer is readily evident and, in my mind, worth the extra three dollars.  As expected, it has more sweet fruit flavors, more apparent oak aging and supporting tannins.  Importantly, it retains nuances of an earthy/leafy character and is not overdone.  It's a harmonious and polished Huge Ass Beer and outshines plenty of other drafts costing twice as much. We’ve paired the Huge Ass Beer with monkfish millefeuille with foie gras and caramelised endives.

Hand Grenade, Bourbon Street (Orleans Parish, Louisiana) Tropical Isle 2001 ($8): One of Bourbon’s most stunning offerings.  A small production quaff, it can nevertheless be found in fine restaurants--especially those which emphasize California wines on their lists.  The 2001 Tropical Isle Family Hand Grenade is simply outstanding; it has lush flavors, with notes of cinnamon and black fruits, and a long finish on the palate.  A Hand Grenade such as this is what has made Bourbon Street Hand Grenades famous worldwide.  Try it with grilled meats, and it will shine.

Frozen Daiquiri, Fat Tuesday (Louisiana) Proprietary Red 2000 (various): The Fat Tuesday Daiquiri, mainly Strawberry Margarita, is one of the most sought-after in the U.S.  As the price of recent Fat Tuesday vintages has been rising, opt for an older vintage, if available. The Fat Tuesday Daiquiri 2000 is still around in some restaurants; if you spot the fabulous 1999 Pina Coloda, jump on it!  Fat Tuesday Brand consistently receives 100-point ratings from major critics for good reason; it's the whole package: power; opulence; complex, rich flavors; and great finesse. A truly memorable daiquiri.

The cloning debate has come to the Crescent City.

With the Marching 100 in such high demand every Carnival Season, the extracurricular coordinators at St. Aug have been in closed door discussions with prominent genetic scientists from Korea and Switzerland.

At a press conference on the grounds of this Orleans Parish institution, Band Director Professor Doctor Reverend Ernest Johnson Jackson Jr. announced that systematic laboratory work has been underway since August 2005.

“We here at Saint Augustine recognize the importance of our students to apply themselves educationally. However, we also understand the compelling need for the Purple Knights to appear in every Mardi Gras Parade there is or ever will be.”

“It’s about recovery.”

German scientist Klaus Krauthosenhoff reports, “Ve have had great early success vith crops, cows, and sheep. A cymbal player is the next logical step.”

Ironically, many marching band insiders have speculated for years that the famous St. Aug marching band has been cloning itself for years.

Beaming with pride, Johnson Jackson Jr., stated: “The challenge is immense. With more marchers on the street, resources will get stretched thin. We’ll have to clone more whistle-blowing mothers to scream at the crowd to stand back.”

GREEN BAY, WIS. -- Not often does a quarterback go into Green Bay in the dead of winter and beat the inimitable Brett Favre.

But it happened Sunday night at historic Lambeau Field, where New Orleans-born Eli Manning led the New York Giants to a 23-20 overtime victory in the National Football Conference championship game. New York will play the unbeaten New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII on Feb. 3 at Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Ariz.
Manning, who prepped at Newman School, celebrated outside the Giants' locker room with his parents, Archie and Olivia, and older brother Cooper and his wife, Ellen.

"I don't think it's sunk in quite yet," said Manning, who completed 21 of 40 passes for 254 yards with no interceptions in subzero temperatures and a wind chill of 24 below, making it the third-coldest game in National Football League history.

 "It's hard to take it all in. I understand the Giants are going to the Super Bowl and everything, but February  3rd is Bacchus. I really can’t decide where to go.”

Eli could try to give the Mannings back-to-back Super Bowl titles. Older brother Peyton led the Indianapolis Colts to a 29-17 win against the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI.

"I know how special it was for Peyton to get there last year and how hard he's worked," Eli Manning said. "But he didn’t have to decide between football and hanging out on St. Charles with his friends. He got to do both; it’s just not fair.”

"You never know when it's going to be your chance. You never know if you're going to get another chance, so you got to make the most of it when you get the opportunity. I missed Mardi Gras last year, and it would just break my heart to miss it again.”

Understanding the immense threat of global climate change, Flambeaux announced today that they are going green.  Under the paln released today, the highly polluting propane tanks worn on the backs of all Flambeaux will be replaced by a clean burning hydrogen fuel cell whose only emission is water.

“We gotta do our part to reduce our carbon footprints,” said long time Flambeu Marlin Boulet.

“We’re also talkin’ about buyin’ some of them carbon offsets down by Rouse’s.”

Funding will be provided by celebrity greenographer Leonardo DiCapri, whose interest in a green New Orleans extends beyond little pink house.

Not to be outdone in the quest for C-list celebrity Grand Marshall marshalling the Krewe of Endymion announced today that the Iron Shiek will ride on Endymion’s front runner float.

After accepting Endymion’s invitation, the Iron Shiek immediately issued challenge to Bacchus’ Grand Marshall, the soft spoken ex-performer for the WWF, Hulk Hogan.

“Hulk Hogan,” screamed the Shiek after snatching the microphone from Mean Gene Okerland.

“You think you’re man enough to be king of all Mardi Gras, meet me in the cage and we’ll find out.”

The cage match is set to be outside the old Shoney’s on the Carrollton neutral ground.  Pay-per-view cost: $59.99.

Bacchus Grand Marshall Hulk Hogan responded, “Brother, whatcha gonna do when the Hulkamania and the Mardi Gras madness comes! Down! On! You!?!”

Hogan concluded his statement by ripping his shirt off.

NOPD is bracing for the arrival of an influx of tens of thousands of Hulkamaniacs in the city by requesting aid from Louisiana State Troopers and the Louisiana National Guard.

Governor-Elect Bobby Jindal has responded in the affirmative to NOPD’s request.

Charity Hospital at University is also preparing triage units in preparation for sleeper hold, pile-driver, and leg drop-induced injuries.

It’s a tradition as old as New Orleans itself.  A new population influx brings new cultures and new community.  The only left to do is start a new Krewe.

Today the New Orleanian Mexican community announced plans to join this grand tradition with the launching of a new Carnival Krewe.

“We’re all good Catholics here,” said Mexican Community Leader Jorge Suarez. “We understand the importance of getting completely ripshit before Lent.”

In a departure from Mardi Gras tradition, Blaine Kern has not been contracted to construct any of the Quetzalcoatl’s floats, as the Krewe itself can build them in half the man hours at half the cost.

The Krewe of Quetzalcoatl will roll on the Uptown Route through Lee Circle on Lundi Gras Day.

In response to the recent Orleans City Council decision to raze four major housing projects, the Bravo Network has expanded its “Project: Runway” franchise into a new series.

Hosted by Victoria’s Secret model Heidi Klum, “Project: Project” will pit teams from the remaining Orleans Parish housing projects in a competition to beautify their homes to keep the council off their backs.

The teams will work with world-renowned architects, interior decorators, and landscapers to perform challenges that will improve their homes and neighborhoods.

The Premiere episode’s challenges are abandoned car and furniture beautification and snitching.

The loser of each week’s competition would be at risk for razing.

“When I signed up for ‘Project: Project,’ I thought we were going to be raising homes, like Brad Pitt,” said Klum.

“This is a little weird.”

9th ward troubadour and wonderkind, Mr. Quintron, and his puppet-show accomplice, Ms. Pussycat, have accidentally played straight trough Mardi Gras.

“Shit!” declared Quintron.  “The organ chops were coming and coming and I guess we just lost track of time.”

In the past, audiences have annually joined Quintron for a night long concert on Lundi Gras that extends to the early morning hours of Mardi Gras. 

This year’s concert marked a departure when the crowd and Quintron just jammed past Rulu and Rex and straight through Fat Tuesday. 

“I thought somebody would’ve reminded me to stop, or at least the audience would just leave and go to a parade or something.”

“Next then I knew, I looked up and everybody had ash on their forehead.  At that point, I signaled to everybody that it was time to wrap up.”

“Knowing that my audience missed the truck parades is my one regret, honestly”

No word yet on Quintron’s plans to prevent the same mistake on his scheduled all night Arbor Day show.

Louisiana’s Gubernatorial election made international news last month.  For the first time in American history, a Kenner-American was elected governor of a state.

As news of Bobby Jindal’s election reached the distant outer provinces of Kenner, spontaneous celebrations broke out in the streets.

Kenner registered voter Keith Lazzo reflected, “First the Berlin Wall, now this, it really restores my belief in this great nation of ours.”

“This really is a groundbreaking day for all Kenner-Americans,” said Kenner Mayor Ed Muniz.

“It’s a vindication of the American Dream. If you work hard, play by the rules, and dare to dream, even someone from Kenner can make it all the way to the Governor’s Mansion someday.”

For his part, Jindal downplays all the talk of history.

“This was an election about the issues,” said Jindal.

“When the good voters of Louisiana looked deep in their hearts and cast their ballots in the privacy of the voting booth, I know the fact that I’m from Kenner never entered their minds.”

“I didn’t know he was Indian,” said one shocked voter from Northwest Louisiana.

“He had enough to overcome that he’s from Kenner.”

Former New Orleans District Attorney Eddie Jordan today announced his next caper: opening a Bed & Breakfast in his Uptown home.

“You’ve had a hard day, you’ve got people chasin’ after you. You’ve been through a lot,” said Jordan.

“Sometimes you just need a ‘safe house’ where you can go someplace where the world can’t find you, lay your head for a piece, and get a muffin in the morning.”

“My door is always open,” Jordan added. “And I’ve thrown away the key.”

In an unrelated story, New Orleans Police is currently investigating Jordan’s longtime girlfriend for allegedly harboring a murder suspect on the lam.

Flanked by his agents, representatives of his corporate sponsors, Mayor C. Ray Nagin, Archbishop Shulpe, Rabbi Bernie Stien of the St. Charles Synagogue, and Pastor Reverend Marla Washington of the New Hope Baptist church, Reggie Bush today announced plans to walk on water “for the children of New Orleans.”

The announcement was immediately met with universal community praise.

“It’s about time somebody walked on water for these children,” said one local resident.

“These kids have been through a lot. They deserve it.”

But not everyone is a believer. Scientists from the UNO Marine Engineering Department have expressed doubt that Bush will be able to complete his journey.

“Don’t get me wrong,” said Professor Franklin Languedoc. “I think it’s really great that he’s trying to help. But it just won’t work, hydrodynamically speaking.”

“Let’s start with baby steps, like a Super Bowl victory,” continued Professor Languedoc.

But such doubts fall on the deaf ears of the truly faithful.

“At least he’s doin’ something,” said another local resident. “Brad Pitt never walked on shit!”

With Halloween just past, parents were looking to celebrate Halloween in a way only New Orleans can: by sending their children into a scary house filled with convicted criminals with minimal supervision and masks.

“This was to be the most frightening haunted realm, I mean house, ever,” said one machette-toting convict in an orange OPP jumpsuit.

“And just because he’s moved on to bigger and better positions in state government, doesn’t mean we can’t still call him Sheriff.”

There will be some changes this year. Most notably the name—and new corporate sponsors.

Children will now have new nightmares because of the “Southern Comfort Presents The State of Louisiana Attorney General Charles C. Foti’s Haunted House Sponsored by Freeport McMoran.”

The revamped haunted house included such new, horrifying rooms as:

The Unevacuated Nursing Home
The Memorial Hospital Euthanasia Ward
The Famous Historical West End Landfill
The Corrupt Orleans Parish Judges’ Courtroom
William Jefferson’s Freezer of Lies
David Vitter’s Whorehouse of Horrors

And most terrifying of all: Waiting for Supplies at the Ernest Morial Convention Center

This is not a joke.

Just because you’re hearing it here, doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Seriously. My Mom lives there and she’s worried.

So it looks like “K-Vile” was just the beginning.

Looking to capitalize on the buzz around the Emmy win for Spike Lee’s epic Katrina documentary “When the Levees Broke” and the premiere of the new FOX series “K-Ville,” Hollywood production companies are scrambling to come up with new Louisiana-themed shows.

It’s a boon to the local film and television industry and a vindication of the Lieutenant Governor’s push to give the industry a new round of lucrative tax breaks.

Here’s a rundown of what’s currently in production:

“T-Town”
A buddy action-comedy about two oddly matched police officers fighting crime Westbank style.

“The J.P.”
A teen drama depicting the trials and tribulations of privileged young residents of Jefferson Parish’s posh lakefront era north of West Esplanade.

“The Zydecos”
A drama about disorganized crime in Southwest Louisiana.

“Dr. John, Medicine Man”
Music legend Mack Rebennack stars as a blues piano player on America’s western frontier in the 1870s who can cure the sick.

“Are You Smarter Than A Chalmatian?”
Based on the hit Jeff Foxworthy game show “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?”

“Deal or No Deal: The Road Home”
New Orleans residents will negotiated with the Federal Government “Banker” to see how much they will get in aid to rebuild.  The Saintsations guest star, holding 30 mailboxes instead of briefcases.

“Chris Owens: Mindfreak”
The ageless adult entertainer pulls off her most amazing magic trick yet: convincing the world she’s still attractive.

Two years after New Orleans reopened its doors from Hurricane Katrina, lack of available housing has allowed landlords to price many would-be tenants out of the city’s housing market. With residential areas slowly rebuilding to create more housing options, logic should dictate that rents will drop; but it seems the highest rents are still to come as New Orleans reclaims it’s highest ground—Monkey Hill.

“First the water rose, now it’s the rent,” complains 33 year old Zach Bougelais, who lives with his parents’ in their one-story mid-city home. 

“This was supposed to be a temporary situation, but people are crazy with what their charging now; so I’m still with my Mama and Daddy, and we’re trying to make the best of it.”

If living with your parents at 33 seems uncomfortable, imagine also sharing that same home with your wife, your two children, your elderly grandmother, your cousin and his out-of-work girlfriend, three dogs, two cats, and a cockatoo. 

“Some days I don’t know what to do,” says Zach.  “It feels like a zoo in here!” 

Actually, Zach, it feels like a zoo out there too.

The New Orleans City Council has just approved plans to develop condos among the lions, tigers, and bears of Audubon Zoo supporting the position that the city’s future lies in above sea-level real estate.

The proposed condominiums have caused quite the controversy with opponents claiming that Audubon Zoo living is “for the birds.”  But, despite their preventative efforts, the plan won unanimous approval last Thursday. 

Council President Arnie Fielkow defended his decision.

“I believe in this development. I told the Audubon Nature Institute to make it happen.  We need it as a city.”

The redevelopment plan includes the creation of three separate residential buildings: an African-themed complex near the rhino exhibit, an Indonesian-themed complex near the Komodo dragons’ lair, and the tree-house-inspired “Primate Village” resting atop Monkey Hill itself. 

The completed development will comprise 113 condominiums altogether, selling for upwards of $350,000 each.  Rents within the complex are expected, like the hill they rest upon, to be the highest in the city, leaving would-be renters like Zach Bougelais once again carrying the proverbial monkey on their backs—literally.

Welcome to the Creole-Tomato Caption Contest! Here’s how to play:

1. Admire the touching photograph to the right, pirated off the web.

2. Write in your caption to thecreoletomato@gmail.com

3. The deadline is October something or other

4. The best caption--chosen by our illustrious staff--goes up on the Creole-Tomato forever!

The New Yorker does it.
So why can't we?

Golden Mayoral Moments

2005: In 2005, former mayor Marc Morial, certain of his relatives, and former associates became the focus of federal investigations into corruption during his administration. Morial's uncle Glenn Haydel was accused of defrauding the Regional Transit Authority of a half-million dollars in a fraudulent bond refinancing scheme.

1984: During Ernest N. Morial's second mayoral term, economic decline and increased conflict with the City Council led to a decrease in the ability of the Morial administration to govern effectively. After serving two terms as mayor, he was prevented by the City Charter from seeking a third term. He twice tried to convince voters to change the Charter to allow him to run again

1935: Walmsley, a member of New Orleans's exclusive Boston Club, moved in the highest social circles of the city. The patrician mayor set a pro-business tone for his administration when as one of his first acts as mayor he confronted a militant strike by the city’s streetcar workers. He also fired almost two thousand black city employees by enforcing a Jim Crow law banning the employment of non-voters.

1920: Martin Behrman, an American Democratic politician, was the longest-serving mayor in New Orleans history. Martin Behrman was from the city of New York.

1880: After struggling to take power from ‘The Ring” Joseph A Shakspeare won office of Mayor of New Orleans. He appointed David C. Hennessy as chief of police. Hennessy’s assassination in October 1890, allegedly by members of the Sicilian Mafia, sparked an anti-Italian riot in which the parish prison was stormed and eleven Italian immigrants were lynched.

1828: Mayor Roffignac sought to develop the city as fast as possible, borrowing large sums of money by issuing "city stock", a form of municipal bonds. He used the money to improve and beautify the city. He resigned in 1828 and returned to France. He died at his château, under curious circumstances: according to the medical examiner called in to determine the precise cause of his death, he had been sitting in his invalid chair, examining a loaded pistol, when he was suddenly overwhelmed by an apoplectic stroke and fell to the floor; in the fall, the pistol fired into his brain.

The Staff of the Creole-Tomato, in somber recognition of this grim 2-year anniversary of the storm has beat the streets in an effort to find out what New Orleanians are doing to mark the occasion.

Greta Falconi of  the 7th Ward has organized seven of her neighbors to relocate their refrigerators curbside for three weeks as a nod to all the lost appliances and sordid odors of two years past.

Michelle Breaux has repainted the orange X on the façade of her Garden District home.

A contingent of senior citizens has agreed to finally evacuate.

The Algiers Point Community League, often called the Algerians, has effectively distributed more than fifteen thousand blue tarp arm bands for school children to wear to classes on Thursday, August 30th.

Pat O’Brien’s, the famous French Quarter piano bar, will be renaming its signature drink for this day only. The barmen there will be serving the "Isolated Showers"

Molly’s on the Market, another Vieux Carre Pub has informed us that at Molly’s it will be business as usual.

Big Chief Brice Mumgumbo and the Wild Yellow Hawk Mardi Gras Indians will be performing in at a nightclub in Houston, Texas.

Politicos have plans as well. Former Councilman Oliver Thomas is planning on looting.

The Honorable C. Ray Nagin will be calling into local radio show "Think Tank" to rant and rave, thereby confirming his candidacy for Governor.

Governor Blanco invited former FEMA Director Michael "Brownie" Brown to Baton Rouge for tea to begin authorship on a Katrina memoir.

President Bush plans on making no comment.

The local flood-protection advocacy group Levees.org gave the Army Corps of Engineers a grade of F in providing interim flood protection and called for an independent, comprehensive "8/29 investigation" as part of its second annual report card on the corps and Congress, issued Saturday.

What do you think?

Sergeant T-Ben Boudreaux, a local satirical newscaster on oldies station WTIX FM, reported during his August 1, 2007 "The News You Need Now!" segment that local satirical newscaster Sgt. T. Ben Boudreaux is not funny.

Boudreaux broke the news during his daily segment on DJ Michael Costello’s "Michael in the Morning" show, which airs Monday through Friday.

"I suddenly realized mid-segment how unfunny my material actually is," Boudreaux said.  "It just dawned on me that speaking in an excitable, frenzied tone does not necessarily equate to good comedy."

"So I broke the news right then and there."

Boudreaux, who also writes material for the equally unfunny Jay Leno’s Tonight Show, has been a fixture at the local oldies station for the past several years.

Boudreaux’s daily segment consists of a tongue-in-cheek mock news stories about local politicians, national celebrities and various topical news stories, ending each of his segments with his signature tagline "Nobody cares!"

Indeed.

Boudreaux’s coworkers, while generally encouraging at the office, have expressed little in the way of surprise regarding Monday’s broadcast.

"Well he always seemed to be enjoying himself, so I never really let on that I didn’t get his sense of humor," said WTIX intern, Melanie Gates.

"I mean, the guy laughs at 'Family Circus' cartoons."

Despite actively reporting on his lack of comedic panache, Boudreaux has no plans to end his daily segment.

"As far as I know, mine is the only media outlet showcasing local New Orleans satire," Boudreaux said.

An inquiry was made as to whether Boudreaux was aware of the "Creole Tomato" to which he replied, "I am not aware of anything of the sort. As a sub par comic, I’ve had enough tomatoes lobbed at me that I am not interested in learning about the various cultivars."

The Tchoupitoulas Street Wal-Mart Supercenter will be closed for the foreseeable future, according to Local Manager, Israel Green, after a riot with subsequent looting erupted last Thursday. 

Reports state the outburst of violence was related to the store's placement of the HBO documentary, "When the Levees Broke" in the discount bin at the low price of $7.99. 

The documentary directed by Spike Lee, which was initially met with skepticism by local residents, has become respected, locally and critically, since it’s airing during the first year anniversary of Katrina last fall.

Lamont Goings, a local customer on hand during the riot, told the C-T, "Hell yeah, I was mad!  I was in the electronics section looking, when I found a copy of that Spike Lee thing in the ‘Junk Bin’ with crap like Pauly Shore and some claymation penguin!"

Mr. Goings reportedly showed the Katrina documentary to his friends, who then became equally enraged at its bargain bin placement.

Mr. Goings noted that if Wal-Mart felt so little value in the documentary, then the decision by him and his partners to take the DVDs, along side some other electronic merchandise, for free was justified.

Mr. Goings, who is currently out on $20,000 bail and awaiting trial, stated. "This city ain’t ready for the Junk Bin without a fight!"

Al Copeland today announced plans for a new venture, a Realty TV series called "The Franchisee."

The show, to be executive produced by Copeland and "Apprentice" creator Mark Burnett, will begin shooting in New Orleans this winter.

The show will pit twelve contestants selected from the Greater New Orleans Area in a competition to start a franchise of a chain restaurant in the desolate, cut-throat environment that is the post-K New Orleans quick service restaurant market.

Challenges will include producing a local TV cartoon show to promote unhealthy fried food to children, staging a giant Christmas light show against the opposition of neighbors, and fighting with local writer Anne Rice in the mediums of full-page newspaper advertisements and fisticuffs outside of Morton’s steakhouse.

Any Franchisee who can get married and divorced three times within the duration of the competition will get extra points. Plastic surgery will earn candidates extra buckets for mopping up biscuit grease.

"The ideal candidate will be both crunchy on the outside, and juicy on the inside, metaphorically speaking," said veteran reality TV producer Burnett.

When asked about similarities between "The Franchisee" and "The Apprentice," Copeland was as subtle as the engine noise of a cigarette boat.

"That show stinks," Copeland said. "And my show will be totally different."

"’The Apprentice’ was about people who wanted to own their own business. ‘The Franchisee’ is about people who want to be forced to focus security cameras on their own employees and install bulletproof glass airlocks between their staff and the customers."

Copeland said that he has his own signature catchphrase—which he’s keeping mum on at the moment—he promises it will be better than Trump’s "You’re Fired."

"I’ve already patented, copyrighted, and trademarked it," Copeland said. "That’s all you’re getting from me."

An anonymous Hollywood insider tells The Creole-Tomato that the catchphrase will sound eerily familiar:

"You’re Fried."

By The Honorable C. Ray Nagin, Jr.

I’m gonna say it once. I’m gonna say it publicly. And I am gonna say it in plain black and white: You-Know-Who caused Katrina.

Many people may laugh at me. Many people may try to hush me up or brush me aside or send dementors after me. But I am not demented, and I am not going to Azkaban without a fight.

I have on my desk a just-published 759-page report which chronicles the history and motivations of a mad-man out to get us. While the names in the book have been changed, you’d have to be under a Confundus Charm not to see the codes of warning hidden in its pages.

Many government officials may dismiss the findings in this report, calling it a "book for children," but I’m not going to make the same mistakes the Ministry of Magic made by ignoring the facts.

There’s a squib on my staff—that is to say, a person of wizarding heritage who lacks magical ability—and this squib believes we muggles—members of the non-wizarding community—must act now before our world is taken over by the Dark Lord.

Now, it’s a very long, complicated report; and, like I said, all the names in it have been changed since the real names are currently being "tracked" by the wizarding community as a way to prevent us from planning any counter-attack.

So, rather than using his real name, from now on I’ll refer to ‘Lord Voldemort’ as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Basically, in an effort to live forever, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named split his soul up and put the pieces of it into various artifacts—or horcruxes—once owned by history’s greatest magicians. 

I believe one of these horcruxes is ‘Zombi’, the still living snake of Marie Laveau, who is so obviously known in the report by the pseudonym Salazar Slytherin.

Stick with me now.

When somebody unlocked the Chamber of Secrets where Zombi has slept all these years, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named whipped up Hurricane Katrina so that the damn snake could swim out of town quickly and without fear of death.

If we wanna prevent another Katrina, we gotta stop worrying about global warming, stop worrying about the eroding coastline, stop worrying about rebuilding altogether, and instead focus of finding that damn snake!

Once we kill that thing, along with the six other pieces of Voldemort’s soul, we can face He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named himself and finally put an end to what started all this destruction in the first place.

May the spirit of Dumbledore and Godric Gryffindor be with us, y’all.

The Honorable C. Ray Nagin, Jr. is the Mayor of the City of New Orleans and a self-proclaimed "Man of the Muggles".

All opinions expressed in Op-Ed pieces are the solely those of the author. The Creole-Tomato assumes no responsibility for their content.

Heeding the warnings of Bill Proenza, the recently reassigned Director of the National Hurricane Center, Senator Mary Landrieu has introduced legislation, S. 1509, to replace the aging weather satellite, QuikSCAT, which is already more than five years past its intended length of service and currently limps along on a back-up transmitter.

Her proposed replacement: Nash Roberts

If QuikSCAT falters, experts estimate that the accuracy of two-day forecasts will suffer by 10 percent and three-day forecasts by 16 percent, which translates into miles of coastline and the difference between a city being evacuated or not. 

Knowing this, however, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), who controls QuikSCAT, has pushed back its replacement until 2016, creating growing public concern.

"The American people look to the government to provide accurate warnings of impending disaster, and expect every tool necessary to do the job right to be made available to the forecasters," stated Sen. Landrieu.

"Nash is the best chance Earth has against hurricanes.  The technology has not been invented that can beat him.  He’s never wrong!"

Bill S. 1509 proposes Nash be rocketed into space armed only with a simple black marker and paper map. There, through the window of his space pod, it’s assumed he can more easily assess the movement of hurricanes and quickly relay the data back down to Earth.

Naturally, the unorthodox bill has its critics. NOAA Administrator Conrad Lautenbacher said:

"Nash Roberts is 90 years old.  He’s been retired like 5 times.  I know people call him ‘the Weather God’ but that doesn’t make him immortal."

Landrieu claims, however, that Earth’s thin atmosphere should provide Nash with the environment he needs to hold out until 2016 when he can be replaced by newer technology.

"Haven’t you seen the movie ‘Contact’?  The old guy in that went into space and lived longer because of the low-gravity.  Nash is going to do the same thing."

The Senate Commerce Committee is expected to discuss S. 1509 as part of a hearing on weather satellites this Wednesday.

Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) broke his silence today, issuing his formal statement since the recent exposure of his philandering ways by self-proclaimed Hustler Larry Flynt. 

In his statement, Vitter said: "Those ho’s better stop snitching."

He added that Flynt was a "hater," who "needed to let a player play." 

In a recent 60 minutes report, Anderson Cooper reported a link between hip-hop’s acceptance of a "Stop Snitchin’" policy discouraging eyewitness informants and inner city crime.

Anderson, reached by the C-T for a special phone interview, explained that he couldn’t see exactly where Vitter was coming from.

"In a city such as New Orleans, where crime and lack of witnesses is such a problem, a Senator that openly adopts this policy is a dangerous situation."

District Attorney Eddie Jordan feels Cooper’s fears are unfounded. 

"I know we may have had to let a case slide or two because of we couldn’t find a witness on the court day or the lack of snitching or, sometimes, I just felt like taking a day off. 

"But this ‘Snitching’ thing may just be turning around with the Vitter case." 

Jordan noted that D.A.’s office has been overwhelmed and that his associates are putting in extended hours due to the informants against Vitter. 

"I got Hos from Washington, Hos from Canal St., Hos from Marrero. Ho, Ho, Ho…lined up around the block ready to start the snitchin’ on Vitter." 

Jordan felt that this could mark a turning point in the City’s conviction rates and that to mark the occasion he would be officially retiring his derby hat.

"It was about time to take a more professional approach," Jordan said.

"And on top of it, with the all those prostitutes against Sen. Vitter around the offices, well, I was starting to look like a pimp."

The Mayor’s Office and the Vieux Carré Commission today announced a new program to help another part of New Orleans community get back to normal.

"Gutterpunks are an essential part of the fabric of our community," said Harry Lesneffer, Chairman of the Vieux Carré Commission.

"To every glassy-eyed teenage runaway; to every pot-smoking trust fund baby in search of ‘the authentic’; to every sweaty, dreadlocked, patchouli-wearing, unemployed bassist with an underfed pit-bull and vicious body odor—we want to say to you: come home."

The new program, called The Home for Gutterpunks (THG), will pay for dozens of city agents to scour the outdoor parks, parking lots, and dark corners of downtown Houston, Memphis, and Atlanta for any New Orleans-based gutterpunks who wish to return home.

Those who accept will be offered bus fare, half a bologna sandwich, and a warm beer.

They will also be given pieces of cardboard and black markers to create new signs for panhandling.

James "Whiskey" Turnbull, the Unofficial Spokesman of the Gutterpunk Diaspora was on hand at the press conference to lend his support.

"I grew up with a different Quarter," states Turnbull, 25, who prefers to be called Whiskey. 

"Kids across the country would hitchhike to the laid back Quarter, where the begging was easy and the people were happy to hand you a left-over beer as much as the shirt off their back."

"This city has got something that nowhere else has," added Whiskey wistfully. "And I hope we can get it back."

"My brothers and sisters have missed our homes on the streets of the French Quarter. And, let’s be honest, there’s something the French Quarter has been missing since we left."

Whiskey has recently organized a nationwide panhandling drive in all 50 states and Puerto Rico after Governor Blanco failed to include a section in ‘The Road Home’ plan specific for homeless teenage punk rockers. 

Whiskey states that the Drive has exceeded his expectations, showing a coffee can with approximately 50 dollars inside. 

"This is all going to the effort to bring home the Gutterpunks of the Big Easy. OK, I might buy a 40 with it, but I swear no smack will be purchased with these donations."

As it struggles to survive in a post-Katrina New Orleans, local educational institution De La Salle has decided to admit boys for the first time.

"It’s a new New Orleans and a new economic reality," said Admissions Director Brother Hal Doufreacheaux, FSC.

"We are an institution that prides itself on tradition; however, we must change in order to survive."

Surprisingly, there has been shockingly little resistance from the parents of students currently enrolled.

"The Cavalier Moms are fully supportive," said Brother Hal.

"They’re even throwing a bake sale on St. Charles Avenue to pay for urinals to be installed in the bathrooms."

Like the title to his newest record, Fats Domino is ‘Alive and Kickin.’

But with Richard Simmons? 

That’s right, the Rhythm and Blues music legend Antoine "Fats Domino" Dominique has teamed up with another famous New Orleans native, Milton "Richard" Simmons, to create a new video workout routine entitled "Sweatin’ out the Fats!".

"Fats’ music speaks to everyone.  And I speak to everyone about fitness using music," said Simmons at a recent press conference. 

"It’s seemed so natural for me to use the music from my home written by a man called ‘Fats’ to help people kick out the fats!"

Throughout the recording process, Domino has understandably been spending hours each day at Simmons’ Los Angeles health club Slimmons; but rumors abound that Fats himself is also noticeably shedding the pounds by pounding out his famous tunes on the piano then dancing to them alongside Richard Simmons and his unlikely crew of fitness assistants ranging from the elderly to the obese.

"Yes, yes.  I’ve been ‘Walkin’ to New Orleans’ and climbing ‘Blueberry Hill’," Fats confirms. 

"My music just makes you want to get up and move.  I don’t know why it’s taken me this long to do it.  But I credit Richard for the inspiration and constant motivation."

"Fats is the inspiration," Simmons generously offered.  "He’s inspired us for generations with his music, and now he’s proving to people from all generations that it’s never too late to lose the weight.  I couldn’t be prouder.  Fats Domino is slimming down-io!"

"It’s no joke," said the artist formerly known as Fats.  "From now on I’d only like to be referred to as ‘Regular’ Domino."

Appropriate for people of all ages and fitness levels, "Sweatin’ Out the Fats" fills store shelves this Thanksgiving.

A shocking story has recently been uncovered in Jefferson Parish. A pre-Rite Aid drugstore, once thought extinct, in southeastern Louisiana, has survived time, economic flailing, and Hurricane Katrina. A K&B drugstore has been discovered which has sent commercially sentimental New Orleanians and local preservationists reeling.

The Creole-Tomato has sent its entire investigative team to the township of Westwego, where this dormant, endangered convenience store operates this very day. Your on-the-spot C-T has secured the exclusive interview with K&B franchised proprietor, Ernold Becnel.

C-T: Are you aware, Mr. Becnel, that the Katz & Bestoff pharmacy and sundries convenience store was bought out by the national drugstore chain Rite-Aid nearly ten years ago?

Becknel: Rite-Aid? What’s that, some kinda 10-K thirst-quencher? Anyways why y’all coming here tonight? We close at 10pm, sharply.

C-T: Mr. Becknel, don’t you realize that K&Bs are extinct?

Becnel:  Extinct?!  I ain’t no dinosaur! I don’t know about any of the jibber-jabber you gentleman are talking about: If I can interest you in some K&B vodka, K&B Neapolitan ice cream or K&B blunts okay; otherwise, l hafta call the New Orleans Private Patrol.

C-T: How have you survived through the hurricane and all?

Becnel: Huh? Hurricane…Betsy? …Camille? …Well business has been slow. But let me tell you…we still sell plenty of K&B playing cards and K&B #2 pencils.  You know come to think of it, it has been a good piece since my last delivery. I am currently out of stock of K&B diapers. I’m waiting. I haven’t heard from them. But that’s neither here nor there.

C-T: Well, sir, actually, it is both here and there.

Becnel: I’ve had quite enough of this tomfoolery. I’ve got to get down to the Schweggmann’s bank to cash a check.

CBS News recently reported that the 18-mile long Hangzhou Bay Bridge has stolen the record for the world’s longest bridge from New Orleans’ own Lake Pontchartrain Causeway.

This announcement marks the first time in history that 18 is considered greater than 24, the approximate Causeway mileage; and has sent confused mathematicians, physicists, and scientists back to their textbooks only to discovery that the age old idiom has been right all along: less is more!

"23.87 is greater than 18," contemplated UCLA Professor Terence Chi-Shen Tao.

"Bigger is smaller.  For thousands of years everyone from Pythagoras to Stephen Hawking has been completing formulas all wrong.  Perhaps this is why Einstein failed math.  He knew then what we’re only discovering now."

British philosopher A. C. Grayling observes:

"We’re not just talking a typo in Guiness’ World Records.  This effects everything.

"Voting, driving, drinking restrictions all must be lowered to accommodate our aging youth.  Students once forced to attend summer school will make Dean’s List this year.  Even religion must be re-examined, for if God is infinite, then we’ll probably find He is really, really small.  Perhaps a dwarf."

Spurred by the discovery that less is indeed more, doctors and scientists around the globe have looked to other common expressions and wives’ tales for inspiration in their work.

They’re learning Mom is usually right:

Chocolate does cause acne.  Laughter is the best medicine.  Masturbation will make you go blind.  And if you consume Pop Rocks, followed by a carbonated drink, your stomach explodes and you die.

CBS News has reported China’s 18-mile Hangzhou Bay Bridge to be the longest in the world, despite the fact that the Causeway is 23.87 miles. What do you think?

"I’ve been telling my public school students for years 24 is less than 18."
--Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City

"Woah. This new math makes me think I’ve been lying to all the wrong people."
--Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore

"18 is more than 24, and I’ve got negative income.  Ergo, Bill Gates better get his poor ass out of my house!"
--C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown

"Lost the world record?  But isn’t it better to be 2nd runner up?
--Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly

"I don’t care how much shorter the trip is.  I’m not crossing that lake to eat at Trey-Yen."
--Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District

Community activists and local law enforcement authorities are expressing concern that the recent federal government deadline to evacuate all FEMA trailers has lead to an increased Romulan presence on the neutral ground (also known as The Neutral Zone).

"The Romulan presence on the neutral ground is in direct violation of the contract brokered between the federal government and the Romulans after Hurricane Katrina," said Captain James Luke Pikirk of the Federals.

"I want to make it quite clear to the Romulan leadership that their continued presence will not be tolerated, and the we will use any methods at our disposal to ensure the Romulans return to their own territory."

While a tacit peace agreement has existed for centuries allowing equal access to the neutral ground for all citizens during the carnival season, the building of semi-permanent Romulan outposts is causing no small amount of anxiety in several neighborhoods throughout the city.

"The cargo hold of my ship has been raided twice since March," said marina resident Leonard Roddenberry. "I don’t want to accuse, but those Tribbles are worth a lot of money."

A local Romulan leader going only by the name T’quarl is asking for dialogue.

"Look, if we could beam all the Romulans to affordable housing, we would," T’quarl said. "But these are trying times for all species."

He added: "The Orleans Avenue neutral ground is rich in precious dilithium crystals."

As of right now the Federation are hesitant to use military resources to deal with the Romulan presence.

"While I insist the Romulans vacate the neutral ground at once, I am optimistic we can resolve this matter without staging military operations," Pikirk said.

The Romulans, despite continuing to build up their presence on the neutral ground, seem unconcerned with posturing by the Federals.

"Let them try to stop my people from rebuilding in the wake of the devastation wrought by Katrina," said T’quarl.

"Besides, their puny weapons are no match for our disruptor beams and cloaking devices."

It’s been one of the city’s most well-known advertising slogans for the last few decades—the famous phrase at the end of every radio commercial for Fat City nightspot Kenny’s Key West.

"Limos by A Confidential."

But now no more.

Kenny’s Key West, LLC (NYSE: KKW) announced that it has placed its estimated $5,000 limousine account into review, touching off what will no doubt become a feverish competition to win the business of the city’s most lucrative nightclub transportation contract.

Industry rumors are swirling as to what brought on the review.

Multiple shooting incidents in the club’s parking lot over the past few months resulted in weeks of bad press, with even Sheriff Harry Lee calling the club "a hellhole."

In a statement, the nightclub’s owner Kenneth Vincent sought to play down speculation that the recent spate of violence had brought on the shift.

"We’ve had a tremendous 20-year relationship with A Confidential," Vincent said.

"But after careful deliberation, we’ve decided to take our limousine work in a different direction."

A rep for A Confidential Limousine declined to comment.

Local reaction to the revelation of U.S. Senator David Vitter’s highly-publicized liason with a Washington, D.C. prostitute has elicited nothing but disinterest in his home state.

While the national press has breathlessly searched for every possible angle on the story, including Senator Vitter’s support for family values and his position as the Southern Chairman of Rudolph Guiliani’s presidential bid, Louisiana voters remain unimpressed.

"Let’s put this in perspective for a second," said local celebrity pollster Silas Lee.

"Right now, Louisiana has a sitting member of the House of Representatives under indictment, an ex-governor serving a prison sentence for bribery, an ex-gubenatorial nominee and ex-KKK Grand Wizard currently serving time for mail fraud."

"And that’s just off the top of my head. So some lady of the evening has his phone number? So f--king what?"

"Well, as long as he wasn’t caught with a live boy or a dead girl..."
--Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly

"My only question is: How’s Dirty Coast gonna fit this one on a T-Shirt?"
--Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore

"Was it that Mother/Daughter outfit on Canal again? You got that phone number?"
--C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown

"What’s his name? Livingston?"
--Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District

"Don’t blame me. I voted for Duke."
--Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City

Secretary-Treasurer of Madams and Prostitutes Local 69 (AFL-CIO) Amber Sparkles has a bone to pick with Senator Vitter.

"After Katrina, this community banded together to support one another and shop local. I just think that our elected officials should set a better example for our kids," said Secretary Sparkles.

She cited the potential impact on the local economy- particularly the loss of business from Airline Highway motels.

"I know those people in Washington have a reputation for screwing people over royally, but we’ve got some got damn fine ladies down here in New Orleans who could really use the business."

Local 69 is considering a one-day John strike out of protest.

The New Orleans East Chapter of the International Brotherhood of Strippers, Exotic Dancers and Steamfitters is meeting later tonight at Visions on Downman Road to discuss a sympathy job action.

Following the lead of numerous cities like New York, London, and Barcelona, the city of Gretna has established a proactive not-for-profit corporation seeking a nod from the 2016 International Olympic Committee.

The recently incorporated Best Bank-Shout Out 2016, LLC will attempt to make a serious pre-bid plea for hosting the Summer games of 2016.

With the obvious economic influx that would follow the awarding of the games, Gretna feels that the West Bank locality could not only handle the burden of hosting, but also offer the Olympics Coalition a positive glimpse of West Bank Culture.

Committee Chair, Amy LaHoste, has presented the Gretna City Council with a series of capital improvement project ideas designed to entice the Olympics Board to award the honor to Gretna. Proposed projects include:

• Converting the looted and burned Oakwood Mall into an Olympic-sized swimming pool.
• Leveling famous historical Algiers Point to build a new track and field arena.
• Installing a mass transit system from the Belle Chasse Highway to that bait shop on Bayou Barriere.

"Once we build the roofless Famous Historical Algiers Point Arenas, all the blue tarp eyesores will be gone," LaHoste points out.

"Also we don’t need to spend money on hurdles, because they can jump or whatever it is that they do under the Lapalco Bridge.

"Also, the Harvey Tunnel is perfect for the 10K. Not only that, we can offer cold, refreshing 10K Sports Beverage to the athletes."

Recent laws passed by Jefferson Parish Councilman Louis Congemi have failed to stop the migration of "Taco Trucks" into the city and has even put Congemi on the defensive after numerous unintended consequences.

In a C-T interview, Congemi felt that his biggest mistake was enforcing all taqueria carts to provide a bathroom.

"I would like to apologize to the good people of Terrytown. You didn’t deserve this," he stated referring to the devastating Terry Parkway traffic jam of last week.

The gridlock, which was induced by a Port-A-Lette that was poorly secured to a moving taqueria cart, has since paralyzed one of the main thoroughfares of the West Bank and may have ruined the summer for many children who patron Skate Country U.S.A.

Larry Breaux of Breaux’s Kool Sno-Balls of Terrytown, near the sight of the "accident," feels he has seen it all.

"Them trucks were popping up everywhere. First, J.P. came looking for permits, but the carts just got mobile, playing Tejano music and goin’ up and down the street like an ice cream truck.

"But that bathroom crackdown, [expletive], that was stupid. The carts would just offer up a jug behind the counter when the police came asking. Then, port-o-johns duct-taped up to the side of the cart! I saw it coming. A [expletive]-storm of the first order. Right in front of my stand. Port-o-john stew all over the place! I’ll tell you.

"I didn’t sell no Sno-Balls that day."

Javier Bendia, owner of the "Amor Ella Pollo" cart chain, states he feels discrimination.

"I want to give. Red Beans & Mexican Rice - that was my idea! I’ve written a letter to Prudhomme about Mexican and Cajun fusion."

"And why doesn’t the guy with watermelons in his truck bed need to provide a bathroom," Mr. Bendia continued. "I guess the bushes are good enough for him!"

Despite the setbacks in his new laws, Councilman Congemi feels the "Taco Trucks" are bad for the rebuilding of New Orleans. "A restaurant on wheels isn’t planning to stay in one place. It’s a moving target that can drop a bomb here and there. Also, getting a taco from a place that looks like a FEMA trailer?

"To me, that just ain’t appetizing."

Most New Orleanians spend at least one weekend on the Gulf Coast during the summer months, and this special section of the Creole Tomato evaluates and rates many popular summer destinations for quality, value, style and the touches of home.

By Congressman William Jefferson

TO: editor@thecreoletomato.com
FROM: wjefferson@house.gov
SUBJ: I Am Wrongingly Accused and Needing Your Help

For urgent business relationship:

I must solicit your strictest confidence in this Transaction. This is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and 'top secret'. I am sure and have confidence of your ability and reliability to prosecute a transaction of this great magnitude involving a pending transaction requiring maxiimum confidence.

I am top official of the federal government who is wrongingly accused of bribing a foreign official of the Government of Nigeria. But I am innocent of these charges. It is not us who is corrupt, but rather that Nigeria Government! 

The money was FBI's money. FBI gave it to me as part of their plan that I would give it to the Nigerian Vice President. But I did not do that. When all of the facts are understood, I trust I will be vindicated.

Unfortunately, this government have frozen the assets ($90,000.00 u.s. dollars) which I had safely stored in my home which I am needing to fight to clear my name.

In order to commence this business I solicit your assistance to enable us transfer into your account the said freezed funds.

However, by virtue of my position as civil servant and member of government panels, I cannot acquire this money in my name. I have therefore, been delegated as a matter of trust to look for an overseas partner into whose account my inside associates would transfer the sum of US$90,000.00 (ninety thousand u.s dollars).

Hence we are writing you this letter. I agree to share the money thus;

1. 20% for the account owner
2. 70% for me (the official)
3. 10% to be used in settling taxation and all local and foreign expenses.

It is from the 70% that I wish to commence the justice of my name.

Please,note that this transaction is 100% safe and I hope to commence the transfer latest seven (7) banking days from the date of the receipt of the following informatiom by tel/fax; 234-1-7740449, your company's signed, and stamped letterhead paper.

The above information will enable us write letters of claim and legal affadavits respectively. This way we will use your company's name to apply for representation and statement of character in your company's name.

I am looking forward to doing this business with you and solicit your confidentiality in this transation. Please acknowledge the receipt of this letter using the above tel/fax numbers. I will send you detailed information of this pending project when I have heard from you.

I thank you for your attention. We go forth, therefore, trusting in God and in his truth to see us through.

Yours Faithfully,

Congressman William Jefferson, 2nd District of Louisiana

NOTE; Please quite this reference number (VE/S/90/99) in all your responses.

While federal prosecutors in Washington are building a case against U.S. Representative William Jefferson (D-La) on 16 counts including alleged bribery, racketeering, using his office to solicit bribes, and obstruction of justice, state investigators have indicted the besieged Congressman on a variety of local charges as well.

The accused faces the following additional allegations as chargeable only in Louisiana:

• Hiring unbonded out-of-state contractors.
• Bribing racehorses at the New Orleans Fairgrounds.
• Inserting the straw into a frozen daiquiri prior to exiting his vehicle.
• Shoving old ladies while attempting to recover Bacchus doubloons.
• Peeing in the bushes during Hermes.
• Dynamiting the MR-GO.
• Charging $20 to park on a lawn near the Jazz Fest and then double-parking the cars.
• Looting
• Dining at the Red Lobster near Lakeside Mall in Jefferson Parish.
• Buying long beads instead of catching them.

"Congressman Jefferson is not guilty; he plans to fight these indictments and clear his name," said his attorney in a statement issued the day of the indictments. "State level agents searched his home and automobile, but realized later that both had already been cleaned out by the feds."
A statement from the Louisiana Department of Justice said, "The things of value allegedly sought by the federal investigators make sense to them. We have recovered the evidence we need. We have some pretty damning trinkets."

Editor’s Note: Economists use many measurements—both formal and informal—to gauge inflation and consumer purchasing power. 

In 1986, the global business periodical The Economist introduced the "Big Mac Index." (http://www.economist.com/markets/Bigmac/Index.cfm)
The index tracks the price of the famous hamburger in 50 countries.

By tracking the price of a single, consistent commodity (a Big Mac in Syracuse, NY is identical to a Big Mac in Singapore), you can judge the purchasing power of global currencies and track inflation. 

Today, The Creole-Tomato is launching "The Hubig’s Index," a sophisticated macroeconomic tool to gauge the health of the area economy and consumer purchasing power by tracking the price of a Hubig’s Pie.

Mayor Nagin and members of the Louisiana and New Orleans Film and Television Commissions are making the rounds in Hollywood this week. 

Their pitch to the studio honchos? If you want to make the greatest disaster movie in American history, you need to film it at the site of the greatest natural disaster in American history.

Big movies with big budgets mean big business. Business that the Crescent City desperately needs. And Mayor Nagin is determined to reel it in.

"This city is a lensman’s dream," Nagin gushed in a cellphone interview while waiting for the valet at Spago to fetch his Bentley.

"So I’m hitting some serious confabs, telling every Hollywood mogul, prexy, and impresario who’ll do lunch that if you’re looking for boffo B.O. biz, baby, C. Ray is your man."

"I’m talking zombies and Mad Max," Nagin continued. "I want Tommy Lee Jones running away from a volcano!

"Blaine Kern’s probably got a volcano just sitting around somewhere in Algiers."

He further elaborated that he was willing to negotiate for tax breaks to offer as incentive for movies in a ‘disaster’ or ‘post-apocalpytic’ genre. 

According to Nagin, major stunts and explosions could be performed in places such as the 9th Ward with little concern for zoning, since so few citizens had yet to move back home. 

"Some people may see destruction," said Nagin. "I see opportunity! Nowhere in America can you find such authentic locales of desolation. 

"I mean, come on, this whole damn city is a movie set just waiting for a crew."

The Mayor suggested if the city were to host the next ‘Die Hard’ sequel, many of the beloved 9th Ward’s concerns about demolition could be solved. 

Bruce Willis was unable to be contacted by the C-T.  His publicist, however, issued this statement:  "Mr. Willis has no plans yet to begin filming the next Die Hard; however, as always he sends his deepest regards to the city."

The Creole-Tomato was privileged to be granted an exclusive interview by the news anchor turned fashionista, Roop Raj.

C-T: Mr. Raj, thanks for sitting with us. We know you are a very busy man. You started off as a dashing young reporter for local New Orleans news channel WDSU. Two burning questions: Why fashion? And why now?

RR: Thanks for asking. Luminary newswoman Hoda Kotb mentioned to me that my fashion sense was different from most of the other newsmen in New Orleans. It was as if my fashion sense was speaking to the viewers in an even more sensual baritone voice than my usual exquisite delivery.

I knew at that point I had a responsibility to the young men of New Orleans and, one might say, even the world.

C-T: What is your inspiration?

RR: Oh, that’s easy. Dan Rather, Oleg Cassini, The Two Tommys: Brokaw and Hilfiger, Blain Kerne, Al Scurmuza. 

C-T: You are about to premier your international fashion line at an upcoming local event. Tell us about it.

RR: Good question. Accessories should enhance the ensemble without overwhelming. Here are some tips:  hold microphones in front of the top button of the jacket to maximize tie exposure; nametags should be worn on the lapel, not the breast, to ensure they get caught on camera.

C-T: Right…What about the event?

RR: Think Man-on-the-go. Maybe there’s a hurricane approaching, but you’ve got a newscast to deliver. There’s a million people out there waiting to see you…Even if you’re in distress, even if you’re on the run, you gotta look good. An old wise man once said it’s better to look good than to feel good. I believe that.

C-T: Great…And the event?

RR: Intriguing Inquiry. "Simply Raj," which is the name of the show as well as the line of clothes—and possibility a new aromatic body scent—will be held at the Lakeside Mall next Thursday at 3pm. Music will be provided by DJ Angelico. Modeling for "Simply Raj" will be the svelte Dennis Woltering, the debonaire Eric Paulsen, the suave Dan Milham, and finally that sartorial genius, Norman Robinson.

C-T: Sounds unmissable. Wrapping up…newsman, designer, what does Roop have planned for the world next?

RR: Picture this: Brian Williams wearing "Simply Raj."

As the Saints prepare for what looks to be another winning season, not everyone is happy with Coach Payton and the Boys in Black and Gold.

Aint’s Fan and Gentilly resident Jordan Samson doesn’t want to be in that number.

"I feel betrayed," says Samson. "I feel like my team abandoned me."

"After Katrina, everybody was afraid that the team that they knew and loved would leave town."

"In my brown paper bag eyes, they did."

"I remember going to the games with my Dad, putting on our brown paper bags, and cheering when Wade Wilson got hurt," Samson continued with tears in his eyes. "I guess those days are just gone."

Although the team flirted with success in 1992, becoming the NFC West Cha-Champs, playoff success eluded them, making them one of the league’s least successful franchises.

According to Samson, that’s the team he wants to root for.

"What I am going to do with this bag?" asks Samson. "It’s got holes for eyes and a mouth. You can’t put milk in there. The structural integrity is all shot."

Master Chefs Paul "The Pulverizer" Prudhomme and Emeril "The Mincer" Lagasse have agreed to face off in a vat of decadent, but airy, divinely rich chocolate mousse a la women’s mud wrestling in an effort to raise money for displaced Vieux Carre cooks, Harrah’s New Orleans announced today.

The event, called "Chef-Mania!" will take place Saturday, August 11th, typically the hottest day of the year.

Emeril Lagasse is training in Los Angeles under the tutelage of short-shorts guru and St. Aloysius Alum, Richard Simmons.

Prudhomme, however, is working in New Iberia with personal mobility device manufacturer Hoverround on a new, secret scooter in preparation for the gooey match.

Details on the device are a closely guarded secret inside Prudhomme’s New Iberia Compound.

But Hoverround spokesman Herb Smedley gave reporters a sneak preview of the device.

"We are the only manufacturer that can provide specialty and standard power wheelchairs factory direct to your home," Smedley said.

"Our total control and integration enables Hoverround to provide the most responsive after-purchase service. It's a unique and meaningful advantage In Chef Paul’s case, we are proud to have developed a chair that glides through the viscous dessert like butter."

Harrah’s is using the much-anticipated wrassling match to promote their "Road Home Check Special."

Producers of the hit ABC TV show "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" announced today that it will no longer accept any applications from the Greater New Orleans area.

"We just have too many logistical issues," said Executive Producer Tracy Hampton. "For example, how do you hide a reconstructed house behind a bus when the house is on 12-foot pilings?"

"We know there are a lot of needy people in the New Orleans area," Hampton said.

"But let’s face it; the rest of the country just doesn’t care."

"Last year, Landrieu kept talking about Biotech. Why don’t we put some of that in there?"
--Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City

"A K&B Museum."
--Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly

"The Crystal Factory?"
--C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown

"One word: Mayonnaise Condos."
--Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore

"How about a factory that makes actual blue plates?"
--Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District

Taking a cue from the enterprising criminal element of New Orleans, Federal agents from the Secret Service and Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms today announced a new contract to purchase firearms from Elliott’s Gun Shop on Jefferson Highway.

"In the past five years, guns from Elliott’s have been connected to more than 125 murder investigations and over 500 drug crimes in the New Orleans area," said Agent Malcom Berglund of the ATF.

"Clearly, they offer quality products at reasonable prices that have a long track record of performing as advertised. That’s what we’re looking for in a federal government vendor."

"The American taxpayer can rest assured that we’re getting the best possible prices. With Elliott’s latest big tent sale, we just drove up and browsed through hundreds of guns for as long as we wanted."

But price wasn’t the only issue. Agent Berglund also cited the shop’s sterling reputation for customer service as another reason why they won the contract.

"Elliott’s really cuts out all that pesky red tape you get when trying to buy a gun at other stores.

"They fill out all the paperwork for you, including your signature. And they’ll even provide you with a brand new social security number, which is great because it’s kind of tricky to remember your own all the time."

Agent Berglund expects to take delivery of the new firearms immediately. Federal agents have already been seen at the shop with a moving van, hauling off the government’s purchase of hundreds of firearms and thousands of rounds of ammunition.

The massive purchase must have been a huge financial windfall for store owner Herman Eicke. He and employees Timothy Harris and Rebecca Zitzman have not had to return to work since the government’s first visit last Wednesday.

An anonymous source inside the Louisiana State Attorney General’s office has revealed that recently named Ochsner Chief of Medicine Momus Alexander Morgus, MD, also known as Morgus the Magnificent, is a "person of interest" in the death of Ochsner Head of Surgery, Chopsley, during the chaotic days after Hurricane Katrina shattered New Orleans.

CNN first reported in October that staff members at the medical center had discussions with Morgus about euthanizing Chopsley for the good of the "Higher Order" even before the hurricane flooded the city on Monday, August 29, 2005, cutting off power and stranding hundreds of thousands of residents.

Investigators for Attorney General Charles Foti have seized E.R.I.C. from Morgus’s personal laboratory near Pirate’s Alley.

A source close to the investigation said, "Though we assume the Eon Research Infinity Computer—essentially a human skull connected to a molecular integrated circuit which holds all the knowledge of the universe in his memory banks—would have first-hand knowledge of the incident, E.R.I.C. has been less than cooperative.

"Frankly," he continued, "the machine’s deep, sepulchral ‘Yes, Master’s seem a little sarcastic."

When sought for comment, Dr. the Magnificent said in a written statement:

"As we plunge into another new year, I'm pleased to announce that Cox Communications will continue to air my experiments on Cox 10. Look for the latest installments at the usual time on Friday nights, followed by a remedial broadcast on Sunday. Please consult your local listing for times, and contact Cox directly, if you have questions about program availability in your area."

1993: Zebra reunites to rock 22nd farewell tour at Mudbug’s on Belle Chasse Hwy

1991: Tastee Donuts becomes Tastee Restaurant

1979: Young Harry Lee takes "Sheriff" literally and dons cowboy hat.

1974: New Orleans Original Daiquiris opens first drive thru in Metairie

1944: Local Inventor Andrew Higgins gets fired from Avondale

1929: At Jesuit Graduation, the only humble, modest senior receives diploma.

1880: Storyville Madam dreams of a better place for her child. City Park’s Storyland is born.

There is one bright spot in the New Orleans’ slow economic recovery: sales of Fleur De Lis tattoos are booming.

Snake’s Tattoo Parlor of New Orleans yesterday announced plans to develop a drive-up tat-shop at the high profile Uptown intersection of St. Charles and Napoleon avenues.

The site is currently occupied by a Rite Aid drugstore that never reopened after Hurricane Katrina and is being demolished. Richard "Snake" Richaud, 53, plans to begin building his branch during the third quarter of this year and officially open it by the first quarter of 2008.

"We were looking to expand our presence Uptown to meet the needs of individuals in that part of the city," Snake said.

"It's just a vibrant neighborhood. And with all these youngsters getting Fleur-de-Lis’s on their backsides and whatnot, it’s a no brainer."

The new location will employ four people who will staff six drive-up lanes. There also will be one drive-up piercing lane. It will have a lobby equipped with an ATM, a daiquiri machine, and an electronic kiosk from which customers can check online banking information.

The new location at St. Charles Ave. is intended to replace operations at a Marrero branch.

Richaud has been steadily renovating and reopening branches shuttered by Katrina. On April 23 the inkster reopened his branch at South Claiborne Ave., and on April 30 he reopened his Eastover branch in eastern New Orleans. This summer, Snake’s Tattoo Parlor expects to reopen branches on Canal Street and Canal Boulevard.

"They just can’t get enough of them Fleur de Lis’s" Richaud affirmed.

Customer Monique DiGiovanni says, "Getting this tat, is so @#%ing awesome. It’s like my own way of rebuilding New Orleans and stuff."

The Starbucks Coffee Company announced plans today to open a new location in Jackson Square's Lower Pontalba Building.

The space at the corner St. Ann and Chartres—previously occupied by bakery La Madelaine for 23 years—is just one block from one of New Orleans’s most cherished institutions and tourist draws, the world-famous coffee shop Café Du Monde.

So how will the new world-famous coffee shop compete? By bringing a Starbucks twist to an old favorite: the beignet.

"The new Fair Trade Certified Starbucks Beignets are certified to be made of 100% organic flour and deep-fried in 100% organic lard," said Starbucks Southern Region Spokesperson Sheila Trandy.

To become Fair Trade certified, a beignet must meet stringent international criteria. Producers must pay a minimum price of $1.26 per pound for powdered sugar and flour, providing much needed credit to growers.

Fair trade guidelines also ensure that certain criteria are met, including decent working and living conditions, freedom of association, access to capital, and environmental practices.

None of which are currently available to New Orleans residents.

But beignets are not the only nod to local culture Starbucks plans on making. They’ve been studying Café Du Monde for years and are sensitive to what local customers are looking for.

"We will also have special training for our baristas in this special location," says Starbucks spokerperson Trandy.

"Our Jackson Square training program will train each barista to let customers wait at least 5-8 minutes before taking an order, mumble barely comprehensible English, and take a smoke break every half-hour before returning to work without washing their hands."

Dear Editor,

In reference to your story entitled "Proposed Jackson Square Starbucks to Serve Organic, Fair Trade Beignets," I for one would like to applaud commitment of the Starbucks Corporation to the recovery of the City of New Orleans.

At a time when outside investment is scarce, Starbucks is making a bold choice to support the city in our time of gravest need.

Not that I have any personal experience dealing with the grumblings of an insular, isolationist populace in the face of true progress, but I imagine that it must be very difficult for anyone who wants to create a restaurant-style experience that New Orlenians would have to travel to Houston or Baton Rouge to find.

Recall if you will the heated contention between local celebutard luddite Anne Rice and visionary restaurateur Al Copeland just a few short years ago.

Mr. Copeland has remained to rebuild New Orleans. Ms. Rice, in contrast, has fled to California to write either erotica or religious-themed fiction, whatever it is exactly she’s writing now.

Sincerely and Love That Chicken,

Hal Mopeland
Mandeville, LA

Mississippi Grimaces

On Tuesday March 20, 2007 Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco gave her farewell address. Her Goner announced she would not seek a second term as leader of our fair state, but would devote the rest of her time as governor to helping out the state instead of trying to get re-elected.

In a quote from her speech to that effect, she claims no regret. "I'm announcing my decision early - well before the legislative session. I'm doing this so we can work without interference from election year politics. Every action in my remaining months in office will be to serve Louisiana' There is nothing more important to Louisiana's future than a strong recovery, free from politics."

The local response was one of obvious antipathy. Blanco to her citizens became little more than a hand-wringing Sisyphus. The reaction from Louisiana’s neighbor to the east was not as subdued.

Across the state, Mississippians are rallying to get Blanco re-elected. This effort has seemingly superseded party lines, and nearly all social, economic, and religious issues. Snowballing petitions calling for Louisiana to Re-Elect Blanco abound in Hancock and Harrison counties as well as in the capitol, Jackson.

The impetus is clear. With Blanco at the helm, the Louisiana ship of state is not only in dangerously shallow water, but also in what Gulf Coast Mississippians recognize as heavy fog. With Blanco at the helm of La, Miss. Looks pretty dang good. Comparatively, Mississippi has been able to turn in the correct forms, dot its many "i"’s and impress the federal government.

Harrison County will receive $8.6 million in reimbursement for money spent to remove debris along roadways in the hours after Hurricane Katrina.

And NASA plans to build a $175 millions rocket engine test stand on the Mississippi Gulf Coast.

The State of Louisiana applied for the NASA contract, but was rejected because NASA was misspelled 14 times.

A spokesperson for the Governor’s office said: "We hit spell-check. We don’t really know what happened."

A full investigation is already underway at the Louisiana Recovery Authority Application Typing Sub-Committee Authority (LRAATSCA).

Mississippians contend that Louisiana, by ridding itself of Blanco and thereby improving its national reputation, might be able to lure the federal dollars away from the Redneck Riviera.

Lawrence Percy, President Emeritus of the Mississippians to Re-Elect Gubenatorial Officeholder Blanco Committee (MR-GO-BC) said: "We’ve got to do whatever we can to keep her in office. As my Pappy always said, ‘If you want to look smart, hang out with dumb people.’"

Item!

Amid swirling tabloid speculation about the demise of their nascent marriage, this reporter has official word that global sexpot Angelina Jolie and local booster Brad Pitt are definitely on the outs.

Jolie has retained local attorney W.A. "Chip" Forstall to represent her in forthcoming divorce proceedings in Orleans Parish Civil District Court.

According to Jolie’s publicist, Forstall "does it all."

Fallout from the divorce may require the State to find a foster family for Jolie’s adopted children, who are from Ethiopia, Cambodia, and Vietman.

The Trongs of New Orleans have already offered their home on Chef Menteur as a place of asylum.

Grand Isle-based architectural firm Betsy, Andrew, Lily, Camille, and Partners today announced plans to open a new Lakeview office at the corner of Harrison and Fleur de Leis, site of the former Lakeview Chicken and Ribs.

BALC and Partners, as the firm is known, specializes in cutting-edge elevated construction techniques.

Most known for private residences, their stunning portfolio includes some of the most famous structures in Placquemines and St. John the Divine Parishes including "The Robicheax House" in Pilot Town, "The Whistling Cranes" in Cutoff, and "Where My Wife Can’t Find Me" in Venice.

In a statement, BALC founder and lead partner Ivan "Hugo" Betsy said: "Our approach is to find inspiration in the power of nature and the communities in which we work. In case of Lakeview, inspiration is still everywhere."

"It used to be location, location, location. Now it’s pilings, pilings, pilings.

Oficina de Kenner - James Cannella, que creó la oficina legal interna de los consejos de Kenner pero tropezó en ocuparse de la autoridad de la cubierta de la ciudad, dijo martes que él está dimitiendo como abogado de la ciudad. El su día pasado es de junio el 29.

James Cannella, juez anterior de la corte de apelación, vino a la ciudad pasillo cuando el Ed Muniz tomó la oficina como alcalde de julio el 1. Él dijo eso creando la oficina de un abogado interno de la ciudad, en vez de confiar en abogados exteriores, él se ayuda excepto Kenner cerca de $200.000 este año.

Aquí está el aviso de la administración de Muniz de la dimisión:

"El abogado James L. Cannella de la ciudad de Kenner dimitirá de su poste legal superior de junio eficaz el 29," alcalde anunciado 2007 Ed Muniz de Kenner.

"Cannella en una letra escrita a Muniz conocido, ' en el palmo corto de un año, soy orgulloso haber logrado nuestra meta mutua para formar de nuevo la oficina del abogado de la ciudad y recordar muchos outsourced contratos legales en casa. Hemos mejorado colectivamente los servicios de la oficina del abogado de la ciudad, confianza restaurada con servicio honesto, y en hacer así pues, ahorrado los contribuyentes de Kenner casi $200.000.00 anualmente. Está, sin embargo, con un corazón pesado que ofrezco mi dimisión. Mí me he vigorizado el desafío... y ahora que he terminado mi tarea, estoy preparado para aceptar otro desafío.'

Cannella servido como un 24to juez judicial de la corte de districto en la parroquia de Jefferson por 10 años y quinto tribunal de apelación de circuito el juez por 15 años antes de ensamblar Muniz como abogado de la ciudad de Kenner.

Fijo Muniz, ' el juez es un hombre bueno, honorable. Él llevó en su propia marca de fábrica de la dirección honesta y ayudado me alcance las metas ambiciosas en la oficina del abogado de la ciudad. Él es un buenos amigo y consejo, y personalmente le deseo éxito y felicidad en todas sus empresas.' se espera que

Muniz nombre un reemplazo a Cannella en las semanas que vienen para permitir una transición lisa y ordenada.

In a press conference yesterday at Moisant International Airport, United Airlines Chief Marketing Officer Frederick Stout today announced that the airline would begin a new twice nonstop service to Denver beginning June 1.

The flights will be a season promotion ending December 1.

"We think that come June the first, many New Orleanians will be eager to visit the mile high city of Denver," Stout said.

The Faubourg-Marigny Community Association will be holding an urgent community meeting to discuss our opposition to the proposed State of Louisiana ban on cockfighting.

The meeting will be held next Tuesday at 2 am at The Bourbon Pub/Parade Nightclub. 801 Bourbon Streeet.

Casual attire.

New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin today recommended that the World Trade Center site be filled with chocolate.

Nagin’s comments came on a fundraising trip to New York after his controversial comments about the World Trade Center rebuilding last week on CBS News’ "60 Minutes" program.

When a correspondent pointed out flood-damaged cars still on the streets of New Orleans' devastated Ninth Ward. Nagin replied, "You guys in New York can't get a hole in the ground fixed, and it's five years later. So let's be fair."

After the program aired, Nagin was widely criticized in New York as "ignorant," "insensitive," and "incompetent."

"I know that some of my past comments have been misunderstood and have hurt people," Nagin said today.

"But now I want to be positive. And delicious."

Nagin’s plan, called "The Sweet Rebuild," calls for the massive hole created by the excavation of the rubble left by the World Trade Center towers to be filled with a mixture of liquid, semi-liquid, and solid chocolates of all types.

"So many people of many different backgrounds lost their lives here," said Nagin. "So you need to have some classic milk chocolate, some dark, European-type stuff, and even some semi-sweet and nutty varieties."

"Instead of sitting around criticizing me," Nagin continued, "you New York people have to get some no-bid contracts going with some candy makers."

The chairman of the Lower Manhattan Development Corp., the agency created to oversee the rebuilding of the World Trade Center site and downtown Manhattan, said that he had received Nagin’s proposal.

"We take all suggestions for how to rebuild and preserve this sacred site seriously," chairman Kevin Rampe said in a statement.

"Or at least we did."

Item!

Brad Pitt’s announcement of the winner of a Katrina-reconstruction design competition was hijacked by the revelation of his newest film project: "Vic ‘n Nat’ly: The Movie."

Pitt and his real-life wife, Angelina Jolie, will star as the classic New Orleans cartoon characters brought to life on the big screen.

Acclaimed helmer Steven Soderbergh ("Erin Brockovich," "Ocean’s 11") will direct the script, adapted from the Bunny Matthews cartoons by legendary screenwriter Robert Towne ("Chinatown," "Mission: Impossible").

According to industry whispers, the story will center on Vic and Nat’ly’s departure from the 9th Ward and eventually settling on the Northshore.

Matt Damon and Ben Affleck have already signed on to play Rocky and Carlo. Julia Roberts will play Angela Hill. George Clooney is even rumored to have a cameo as a Hubig’s Pie delivery man.

The project is the latest adaptation of Vic and Nat’ly by creator Bunny Matthews. His Vic ‘n Natly-themed restaurant opened in Covington in July.

Preproduction on the film will start in November with shooting scheduled to take place in January and February.

"Vic and Nat’ly are classic New Orleans characters," Pitt said. "Angelina and I simply hope to do them justice."

Asked by this reporter to do his best Ninth Ward accent, Pitt replied: "I’m gonna be needin’ a dialect coach, dawlin’."

No word yet, dear readers, on how to apply for that job.

June 1st marks the beginning of Hurricane Season. Contractors in New Orleans, building severe weather protection systems, are busy struggling to meet the deadlines set earlier in the recovery efforts.

Local governments along the Gulf Coast are penning the final elements of evacuation plans. Mayor Nagin, the recently re-elected mayor of the Choc…of New Orleans has defined "mandatory," as "recommended."

Federal government agencies are preparing for the worst. FEMA, in particular, sees a rocky road ahead. FEMA Administration spokeswoman, Liza D. Sete says her agency is actively seeking repayment for the "loan" it signed off on in September 2005. "Blanco hasn’t even made a dent in the interest payment." Sete claims.

Because of the impending threat of system failures across the board, the local and national media have taken upon their shoulders to carry New Orleans through Hurricane Season 2006. They have essentially promised an immense storm on June 1st 2006, the first day of Hurricane Season, Experts have it aimed directly for the Greater New Orleans area. "If Louisiana residents aren’t ready by June 1st," CNN Correspondent Dewey Cheatum, "they are all going to die."

The Creole-Tomato recommends that you heed these warnings. If an affected citizen does not heed the warnings, he or she can take comfort in the fact that the media will be there in the aftermath to film his or her suffering and discomfort.

National Weather Service insiders have nick-named the event horizon of June 1st, "Hurricane Eve."

Local weatherman, Bob Breck of Fox 8, who has been on air making ridiculous claims about the history of powerful storms not even entering the Gulf until late August, got wind of Hurricane Eve.

Breck, who placidly recognized that it used to be only a hurricane that blows things so far out of whack, stated, "We begin naming windstorms with a name that starts with the letter ‘A’ not ‘E’."

After a period of protest following the announcement of the 2005 Pulitzer Prizes for Journalism, the Creole-Tomato resumed publishing today.

The protest began when cross-town rival paper The Times-Picayune was awarded two Pulitzer Prizes — journalism’s highest honor — for public service and breaking news.

"Everybody wants to slap the Times-Picayune on the back. Courageously riding out the storm, piling in the back of delivery trucks, blah, blah, blah," said a co-editor of the Tomato who declined to be identified.

"We’re here too," he continued. "And some of our correspondents are still living on boats.

The Times-Picayune also won a gold medal for meritorious public service.

The gold medal for public service was awarded, the judges said, for the newspaper's "heroic, multifaceted coverage of Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath, making exceptional use of the newspaper's resources to serve an inundated city even after evacuation of the newspaper plant."

"I mean look at us," commented the co-editor. "They’re back in their plant now, with paper and everything. We’re still publishing a rinky-dink website.

"So we just shut it down in protest."

In a statement to readers, the staff of the Creole-Tomato said they decided to being publishing again because "we decided that the good people of New Orleans needed us too much."

"And," the statement continued, "because JazzFest kind of lightened the mood up a bit."

"They’ve got enough Pulitzer metal to permanently dam Mister Go," the anonymous co-editor said. "What do we get? Bubkus."

"Who the hell is this Pulitzer guy, anyway? He doesn’t sound like he’s from here."

He then added: "When do I get to go on Anderson Cooper?"

Many wait on line for hours.

After the sun has long set over the Acura Stage, unanswered questions linger about the Jazz Fest 2006.

Why was Quint Davis wearing a dress on the last Sunday? What really happened to Fats Domino? And, most befuddling of all: what caused the massive Cochon Delay that nearly crippled the entire festival?

At one of the most popular food booths around the corner from Congo Square, a Cochon Delay caused locals and tourists alike to wait on line for hours. While other Cajun, Creole, and international food vendors sated the hungry masses, the Cochon Delay stymied the attempt of an otherwise happy crowd to feed its face.

The Cochon Delay reached an epic proportion when, despite the troubles, Fest-goers kept talking about how great the Cochon Delay is.

"Everybody told me about the Cochon Delay," said Pauline Gulotta, who flew in from Maryland to attend the Jazz Fest, "and so I got in line, and I told my friends to get in line too."

Though apparently participating in mob mentality, people succumbed to word of mouth, Jazz Fest Tradition or maybe even gourmet experimentation.

Whatever it was, the Cochon Delay kept folks on hold much longer than necessary. "I’m going miss my thirty-second live Jimmy Buffet show," a disgruntled Parrothead complained.

While most vendors reported a smooth, profitable, enjoyable Jazz Fest, the folks behind the Cochon Delay are pointing their fingers at the Federal Government, the Mayor and Jazz Fest Organizers.

Through a spokesperson, Jazz Fest organizer Quint Davis said: "I don’t want to comment on the Cochon delay while the investigation is in progress."

Jazz Fest sign painter Robin Delaume has been appointed to investigate the incident.

High Demand, Little supply.

"I can’t sell my house if I can’t afford a sign," says one local.

If you put off buying "For Sale" Signs on Thursday, it's going to cost you. "For Sale" Sign retailers throughout low lying parishes and counties across the Gulf Coast are raising prices—most by 10 to 12 cents a letter.

While Creole Tomato reporters watched Tuesday morning, the Roger’s Ace Hardware in the Irish Channel, New Orleans, went from $2.77 to $2.89 for a letter of regular "For Sale" Signs.

"There only six letters in ‘For Sale,’ says Clarence Graves, local homeowner, "But it adds up fast. I can't sell my house if I can't afford a sign."

Steve & Jenny’s Hardware on Highway 90 in Waveland, MS made the same price jump yesterday, according to our partners at ForSaleSignsAccountability.com.

As "For Sale" Signs prices were going up overnight, we talked with Isaac Martine, of Pensacola, FL. Putting a "For Sale" Sign up is a must for selling his beach front condo, and he's not happy about how much he has to pay.

"These "For Sale" Signs prices are terrible, man." Martine told us. "10 bucks got me barely more then half a sign, and what good is that? The sign falls over with only one peg, and nobody knows what it’s ‘For.’ A lot of times I see myself having to skimp out on a lot of things like a nice set of FEMA trailer steps for my mom or anything else, just because I need to sell this damn hurricane target."

President Bush unveiled his four-point plan Thursday to help people like Martine, including opening up the Arctic Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling and tax credits for those buying hybrid cars. But some say that won't make an immediate impact.

Ashley Daniels, of the National Resources Council, said, "I don't think there's anything in the President's plan that will have short-term impact on ‘For Sale’ Signs prices."

And many Gulf Coast residents agree with the experts, saying there isn't much President Bush or Congress can do about lowering "For Sale" Signs prices.

Martine said, "Every single day they make choices. They make choices, they make laws, and they make different whatever. They could always make the decision to lower the prices. They could do whatever they can, but they haven't, and most likely they won't."

The President said on Thursday that "Ethanol is good for the whole country," which Martine said is at least a step in the right direction.

"The best message I could possibly give out there, is that the only way to reduce our dependence on foreign signs is to invest in alternative communications sources."

While locals debate whether it was in the city's best interest to celebrate Mardi Gras this year, Louisiana representatives petitioned Congress in true Mardi Gras fashion this Fat Tuesday.

The group of nine, or Krewe of Katrina as they prefer to be called, marched into the Capitol building in full carnival attire late Monday evening, carrying with them the usual array of parade-going necessities, including ice chests filled with beer and cold drinks, a bbq pit for grilling essential foods, kingcakes, lawn chairs, ladders, and an extra-large camping tent.

"The camping tent is our key element to claiming a good spot on the Congressional priority list," explained Rep. Bobby Jindal. "It lets them know we are here, we are serious, and we mean business."

Once Congress was in session Tuesday morning, House member Charles Boustany climbed atop a tall ladder and began shouting for funds to help the hard hit state while a "Louie Armstrong" clad Rep. William Jefferson second-lined through the aisles and trumpeted out an atonal "When the Saints Go Marching In".

A call to order was made when Reps. Charles Melancon and Rodney Alexander wrestled Elizabeth Dole to the floor in an attempt to remove her pearl necklace; and shortly thereafter, officers were brought in to end the illegal drinking practices of Rep. James McCrery.

Rep. Richard Baker defended the group's actions. "Everybody knows the police are supposed to turn a blind eye during Mardi Gras season," Baker explained. "It's too bad they caught Vitter peeing behind the pulpit though. He's got quick hands. We could have used that when the bills start to fly."

Other state representatives seemed confused by the group's unorthodox fundraising methods, but some fought back including Senators Barack Obama and John McCain who carried signs reading "Bill Me" and "I'm from Arizona" respectively.

In a final counter-offensive, Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu exposed her bare chest, abruptly clearing the hall in an emergency evacuation.

"Well there is still a lot of work to be done, but long beads are long beads."
--Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District

"I've got to start my doubloon collection all over from scratch. We better have Mardi Gras."
--Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly

"All Hail Queen Tchufuncte."
--Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore

"The New Orleans economy needs Mardi Gras. Till my insurance check arrives, I'm shaking my fun bags for dem "Girls Gone Wild" videos."
--Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City

"We gonna have Mardi Gras sure as I've danced through dung on a parade route. And let me tell you from personal experience, those horses have got some dung!"
--C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown

Dwane Robinson’s ice cream shop hasn’t seen many customers since Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans nearly five months ago. But the 46 year-old owner of a Central Business District Baskin Robbins franchise is hoping that a new promotional flavor called "Chocolate City" will change all that.

"There’s just not that many people here and the people that’s here don’t really want ice cream," Robinson said. "I hope this fundraiser will turn things around."

The fundraiser is from the new flavor itself. Baskin Robbins will donate 20% of all profits from the sale of "Chocolate City" to various hurricane relief and rebuilding efforts.

The new flavor features chocolate ice cream with several fillings, including tiny milk chocolate refrigerators, café au lait with caramel swirl, purple, green and gold sprinkles, and a plastic baby. Most scoops will also include a single, token marshmallow on top.

"It’s sort of a new-age Rocky Road," said Lawrence Klapp, spokesman for Baskin Robbins.

Also, for a limited time and an additional two dollars, customers can have their scoops served sundae-style in a miniature, plastic FEMA trailer. Portions of these proceeds will also be donated to relief efforts, though the exact destination has not yet been determined.

Robinson hopes the new flavor will raise money and awareness for a good cause, but also help his struggling business.

"I’m really excited about it," Robinson said. "I think God wants us to eat this ice cream and rebuild our home town."

A group of Lakeview residents currently living in trailers have expressed their strong opposition to Mayor Nagin’s plan to put trailers camps at multiple sites in Lakeview.

Their message: "Not in my trailer’s backyard."

The opposition of the group, known as the Lakeview Trailer Association, comes at a time when a group of noted economists have argued that the city’s recovery is being delayed by the scarcity of affordable housing.

In addition, FEMA currently has more than 30,000 trailers ready to move into the city to house thousands of displaced New Orlenians who are ready to come home and rebuild their lives. If only enough suitable sites can be found.

But members of the LTA argue that there are many reasons why the city should look to place the trailers elsewhere.

"That huge trailer compound will be an enormous fire hazard," said Sheila Troup, as she placed a lit candle near the kitchen curtain of the trailer she’s been living in since October.

"The sites they picked, they aren’t suitable for trailers," argued Howard Damien as he entered his trailer, which is wedged between a street light and a rotting oak tree on his front yard.

Most Lakeview trailer residents say their biggest concern is crime.

Downing whiskey straight from the bottle while cleaning a handgun on the front step of his trailer, Felix Ozuna said, "Who knows what kind of unsavory element all those trailers will bring in here."

by Harry Breedlove, Out-of-Town Contractor

The other day, I took a break from hammering election-style advertisements on the Argonne Street neutral ground and looked around.

There are many signs up in New Orleans right now, but of all the signs out there, my sign is the best.

Why? Because against a sea of competitors offering precisely the same service that I do, I stand out.

First of all, I chose a powerful, bold typeface for the words "HOUSE GUTTING."

My sign has a huge phone number. That’s really important, especially in a neighborhood with no working stoplights.

My sign is purple and gold like LSU. You have to play on people’s allegiances.

All those other signs have way too many words on them. Nobody cares if you’re "Fully Licensed, Bonded, and Insured." It’s just too many words for people to read.

Finally, I think my sign is the best because I’ve got more of them. I tend to put them in large bunches of ten.

A message repeated is a message remembered. A message repeated is a message remembered.

See what I just did there? I rest my case.

-- Harry Breedlove is the owner and sole proprietor of H&B House Gutting and Blue Roofs. He is fully licensed, bonded and insured.

All opinions expressed in Op-Ed pieces are the solely those of the author. The Creole-Tomato assumes no responsibility for their content.

With the passing of Twelfth Night, Mardi Gras is just beginning to enter most people’s minds, but for Alton Butto and his Mardi Gras Ladder business, Fat Tuesday is a day that requires year-round preparation.

Only this year, with Katrina disrupting and perhaps even canceling portions of the annual festival, he has hundreds of Mardi Gras Ladders that may go to waste.

"Just ain’t much hope they’re going to move," Butto said from his crowded warehouse in Bogalusa, LA. "Right now, we’re slowing down production to almost a crawl, really anticipating that very few folks are going to want one this year."

The production does not involve the actual manufacture of ladders, but rather a small bench (often with a safety bar) that bolts to the top of the ladder. From this bench, children can better view parades and catch beads in the crowds.

With his storage facility completely overcrowded, Butto has forced his employees to store ladders in their own homes.

Butto’s carport, shed, and the boat he has parked on his lawn are filled to capacity. His own children now ride back and forth to day care in a bench secured to the back seat of his SUV.

"They’re all right back there," he mused of his children’s new car seat as he drove to his warehouse. "Hey, I got to find someplace for these to go."

Mr. Butto is not alone. Kelly Geauxdais, president of the National Association of Mardi Gras Ladder Manufacturers, says that the entire industry will be hit especially hard this year.

"We’re looking for other possible customers," she said from her office in Mandeville’s Central Business District. "Right now, FEMA is going to purchase a number of the ladders. So that will help businesses for a while."

According to the official NAMGLM website, FEMA is actually only interested in the ladders themselves. The agency is still trying to find a use for the child-sized benches.

"Some will be used in waiting rooms," said agency spokesperson Brownie MacNeil. "This will alleviate much standing-related discomfort for dozens of Americans seeking our services.

"The rest will be burned."

In the meantime, Butto is trying to find other ways to keep his unique Louisiana business moving.

"Well, I’m trying to see if anybody up North will take some," he said. "Maybe I can sell them as toboggans or something. There’s got to be a million uses for these damn things."

Garland Robinette, the New Orleans television and radio journalist, has drowned. He was 68.

Robinette began losing oxygen during the Wednesday afternoon broadcast of his talk radio show, "The Think Tank with Garland Robinette," on WWL-870 AM.

Robinette faltered while Harold from New Orleans East explained how President Bush, The Shaw Group, and Halliburton were only interested in New Orleans because "there’s oil under the ground in the Lower 9th Ward."

"What’s your source," Robinette asked.

"LSU.edu," the caller replied. "UNO.edu. Whatever. Look it up, Garland."

"I can’t breathe," Robinette replied.

Engineers rushed into the broadcast booth to try to save him, but their efforts were too late.

"We should have seen the signs," said Station Manager Keith Taylor. "Garland’s been under a lot of stress lately, dealing with the deluded ramblings of a paranoid and vocal populace."

"Just last week he started hyperventilating when Benny from Arabi told him that some guy named Mister Go dynamited the Industrial Canal floodwall with Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola."

Robinette achieved national notoriety in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina with an interview with the embattled mayor of New Orleans, C. Ray Nagin.

When informed of Robinette’s death, Mayor Nagin commented, "excuse my French everybody in America, but I am pissed."

Mr. Robinette is survived by his ex-wife, WWL-TV anchor Angela Hill, and her collection of used sweaters from Goodwill.

#7 "Vodka and Red Bull" Recipe from Fats Domino, Musician

Number seven in our yearly list of evacuation cocktails comes from local singer Fats Domnio, who swears that this powerful concoction is just the thing to take the edge off a stressful evacuation.

What’s really great about this heavenly combination is the heavily caffeinated Red Bull can help you stay awake during those long nights stuck in bumper-to-bumper contraflow traffic

1 Part K&B Vodka
4 Parts Red Bull
Ice (optional)

Pour Vodka into pint glass, over ice. Fill glass with Red Bull. Stir or shake to taste. Enjoy.

Here’s to your next evacuation!

At a press conference today in Washington, DC, The First Opportunistic Office of Louisiana Economic Development (FOOLED) announced the four finalists in its "Master Plan to Rebuild Lakeview" competition.

FOOLED, not to be confused with the Florida’s FLOODED agency, first announced the competition three months ago. The organization received 1,574 proposals on how to what to redevelop the struggling New Orleans community so many people used to call home.

Proposals have floated up from community developers, world famous interior designers, visionary architects and even the guy with the Manuel Hot Tamales van that used to park by Stan and Dan’s gas station.

Detailed models for four finalist master plans will be on display for a three month general public review and comment period near the big garbage pile on West End Avenue.

The four finalists are detailed below.

Lake Lakeview

Seaside at Destin’s developer Hiram Oestricher has proposed Lake Lakeview, a Venice, Italy themed lifestyle neighborhood.

The developer would allow the Corps to undermine the levees through careful negligence, and let the neighborhood fill back up, creating a network of scenic canals.

The centerpiece of the plan is Oestricher’s reimagination of the railroad pass over Canal Boulevard as the Pontevecchio over the American Grand Canal.

Katrinaland

Disney has proposed fencing the boundaries of the New London Canal, Robert E Lee, Harrison and Milne to create an exciting theme park.

The devastation would remain status quo, but they would call it Katrinaland, charge fifty bucks at the door and market the hell out of it. Children can watch as out of state debris trucks rumble down the street uncovered so that more trash is spread throughout the resort.

Best of all, it’s energy efficient. "No electricity needed," says Disney Chief of Development Don Mallard.

The Freedom Tower

New York City’s Public Development Council (NYPDC), which controls the rebuilding of the Ground Zero site, has proposed a plan to clear the site; draw up several designs for a great, glittering tower; argue about the design; tangle the engineering in the local bureaucracies; seek approval from a reticent police force; write meaningless press releases on the design and make sure that everyone in the city knows what it could be; but then decide not to break ground and leave a general feeling of apathy in the minds of the locals who initially supported the recovery efforts.

"We have experience in just this sort of thing," said David Dentistoff, President of the New York City Public Development Council.

"Come the F--k Home"

C. Ray Nagin, Mayor of New Orleans, proposes that the residents of Lakeview return to Lakeview. This was the only detail and extent of the official agenda put forth by his office.

It's no ordinary holiday season in New Orleans this year, so Celebration in the Oaks designer Claude St. Pierre decided to add an unconventional scene to this year’s traditional holiday display.

He thought the beloved New Orleans holiday character Mr. Bingle using an enormous candy cane to loot the Maison Blanche on Canal Street struck just the right humorous tone.

But after complaints from visitors, City Park officials have instructed St. Pierre to dismantle it.

"Although most people did enjoy the decorations, a few visitors found the display to be in poor taste," said a statement issued by Celebration in the Oaks organizers.

The "Mr. Bingle Looting" scene had sat among the grand, traditional displays of gleaming lights, Santa and his elves, and the Baby Jesus asleep in the manger.

Frank and Gina Rouse of Mid-City liked the display.

"It's definitely accurate," Gina Rouse said. The couple, who are rebuilding their home that had wind-blown water damage, came to Celebration in the Oaks just to see the display, she said. And they weren't alone.

Cindy Beck heard about it and brought her camera. "It's like building a beautiful gingerbread house and then dousing it with a five gallons of milk," said the New Orleans resident, whose home was flooded. "It just makes you smile."

"Then it makes you cry," she continued.

As other visitors stared in wonder at a nearby display of letters of peace and goodwill written by children all over the world, Frank Genarro and his wife Camille chuckled at the scene of comic violence.

"Look at him," said Frank Genarro. "You can really see the desperation in his eyes."

"Some people ain’t got no sense of humor," he said.

New school to be called McDonough #114

Under pressure from Governor Blanco, Mayor Nagin, and thousands of angry parents to reopen the public schools more quickly, the Orleans Parish School Board announced today that it would combine McDonough numbers 15, 42, 32, and 35 into one 24-hour "super school."

The new school will be called McDonough #114.

The plan copies heavily from efforts by area private and parochial schools to retain students with a two-shift school day. One set of students attends classes from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m., while another studies from 4 p.m. to 11 p.m.

Rummel/Brother Martin/Mt. Carmel and St. Martin’s/Jesuit currently have such arrangements.

The McDonough #114 plan, however, calls for a third shift of students from midnight to 7 a.m.

The plan is seen as a calculated response to proponents of an initiative to create a new series of public charter schools that will operate independently of the School Board.

"With a three-shift system, we can educate our city’s youth without the need for independent charter schools," said School Board President Torin Sanders.

When told by reporters that the numbers of the four McDonough schools actually added up to 124, not 114, Sanders responded:

"Sorry. I guess we forgot to carry the one."

The Governor’s Office of Coastal Activities today announced a new plan to use refrigerators thrown away after Katrina to restore some of the wetlands the hurricane destroyed.

"Our Christmas tree recycling program has been so successful, that we’ve decided to expand it," said Acting Assistant Secretary Gerald M. Duszynski of the Office of Coastal Restoration and Management at a press conference in Baton Rouge.

"We looked at how our wetlands have been devastated and we looked at all the refrigerators piling up on the streets and we thought: there’s a no-brainer."

No reliable estimates exist for the number of disposed refrigerators. Some experts put the number in just Orleans and Jefferson Parishes in the hundreds of thousands.

According to the State’s plan, the refrigerators will be bound together in a wooden fence, or pen, in a shallow open-water area. In theory, the fences will provide a wave-break that can reduce erosion and provide reefs for fish and crustaceans.

But officials concede that they have no idea how the refrigerators will be integrated into the wetlands’ fragile ecosystem.

Critics have already begun attacking the plan.

"This is a potential catastrophe," said Environmental Defense regional director Wallace Brown.

"You’re talking about dumping tons of plastic and metal, as well as thousands of cubic meters of the toxic gas Freon into an already devastated ecosystem.

"At least old Christmas trees were made of organic matter. Even the bright white flocked ones you would find out in The Parish had a tree under there somewhere."

It’s a risk, State Officials admit. But they argue it’s one worth taking.

"At this point, we have to recognize that the Christmas trees weren’t tough enough," says Acting Assistant Secretary Duszynski.

"Perhaps the metal and plastic of the refrigerators will make our wetlands tougher."

The Holidays just won’t be the same in Luling without Turducken.

In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, much attention has been paid to the destruction of homes, businesses, and other man-made elements. But natural destruction—particularly that of animal habitats—is taking its toll on the region as well.

Many Louisianans face the grim prospect of spending this holiday without Turducken, due to the destruction of the rare bird’s habitats and the enormous demand that comes with the season.

For Gaston Dupuis’ family, the bird is a Thanksgiving tradition.

"We don’t know what we’re going do," Dupuis said, standing in front of the tool shed in converted into a smokehouse on his property. "Turducken’s what we eat here for Thanksgiving. We don’t know nothing else."

In fact, the men of the Dupuis family have hunted their own Turducken each November for generations.

"Oh, it’s most definitely a right of passage in these parts," he said.

Experts and environmentalists agree that there will be few of the large, turkey-like birds available this holiday season. The few that remain are considered precious.

"If folks eat the ones that are left, we don’t know what future holidays will look like," said Wayne Tucks, spokesman for Louisiana Wildlife and Fisheries.

"Our wardens are going to strictly enforce permits and bag limits, and we’ll be checking those Turducken blinds for extra birds, that’s for sure."

But some environmentalists warn that might not be enough. Environmental groups are asking that the Turducken be placed on Louisiana’s endangered list, along with 24 other species like the piping plover, black-capped vireo, and the Ninth Ward Pigeon.

"Basically, we’re asking people to abstain this holiday," said Garmin Jennings of the Louisiana chapter of the National Wildlife Foundation. "There are so few birds left, and so few people understand the complex relationship between the species and the amount of habitat Katrina washed away."

"We want these beautiful animals to be around for future generations," he said.

Gamin’s group is actually proposing an Audobon-esque postage stamp that might help raise funds and awareness to save the Turducken.

In the meantime, Dupuis and his family are weighing a difficult decision.

"Well, there’s plenty of Nutria, I guess, " he joked as he put on his camouflage LSU hunting cap.

"But it’s hard. They just so dern good."

Post-Katrina, many animals have sought physical help and emotional support from famed New Orleans veterinarian Francis Akmuch. One lonely turkey, however, sought something else.

Like many pets, Turkey Lurkey (name as printed on collar) was found while searching residences for survivors.

"From the beginning, all Turkey Lurkey would do was ask that we eat her," explained Dr. Akmuch. "At first I thought she was concerned about the scarcity of food and was offering herself up for self-sacrifice; but upon probing deeper, I realized I was dealing with one very traumatized turkey."

Turkey Lurkey’s owner, Gary Wilson, could not be found after he was airlifted from the mid-city section of New Orleans and forced to leave his faithful friend behind.

"We didn’t know how to handle the situation at first. Euthanasia is a very serious procedure and one we do not take lightly. However, without the owner around, I had to listen to the needs of the pet and take what she wanted into strong consideration."

According to Dr. Akmuch, most pets have had a tough time post-Katrina.

"Ask any dog, he’ll tell you how ‘ruff’ it’s been. Cats with a simple ‘Me-ow’ express the overwhelming pain they feel. Turtles…well, turtles don’t talk much. But Turkey Lurkey was a unique case."

Turkey Lurkey talked a lot. And, according to Dr. Akmuch, that talk always involved her death.

"’Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.’ It became too much. I had to help this bird."

And help her he did.

In a strange twist of fate, Turkey Lurkey’s owner and companion of 6 years, Gary Wilson contacted The Creole-Tomato this morning when he heard we were about to print an article on a lost pet turkey.

Said Gary, "I’ve been so worried about her. Turkey Lurkey is a big eater, and once the food dish I left for her ran out. I’m sure all she could do was talk about how hungry she was."

But news to Dr. Akmuch about his grievous error in interpretation came too late. Turkey Lurkey was deep fried this Thanksgiving morning. And weighing in at just over 17lbs., she filled the Thanksgiving spread nicely, serving his family of six with leftovers expected.

Happy Thanksgiving, Gary! Sorry for your loss.

"With my house gone, the in-laws can’t visit."
--Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City

"Police turned a blind eye to looting, so this year I got my holiday shopping done extra early. Take ‘dat, Vanna White."
--C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown

"Plenty of parking and no meter maids."
--Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District

"Nothing says loving like MRE stuffing."
--Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore

"I’m thankful I got to tell my ex-boyfriend, Jerome Louis Jr., what an [expletive] he is before he got bussed to wherever."
--Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly

Standing behind a table covered in seized oysters, weapons, and assorted shucking paraphernalia, Acting Police Superintendent Warren Riley today announced a new enforcement strategy to crack down on the illegal trafficking and sale of oysters.

The plan, dubbed Operation Half-Shell, will target enforcement in some of the open-air illegal oyster markets that have sprung up around the city.

Since Hurricane Katrina devastated the oyster beds and boats that harvest them, supply for oysters has been unable to keep up with demand. For a desperate, seafood-starved populace, this has created a vibrant and dangerous black market in oysters all across the city.

A dozen unshucked oysters—known on the street as a dime bag—now goes for $10.

And Thanksgiving has only exacerbated the problem. With so many families craving the comfort of oyster dressing this holiday, incidents of oyster-related violence have increased dramatically.

Last week, three elderly ladies were booked for possession with intent to sell and assault in the 1300 block of Arabella Street after a turf war in the in the parking lot of Langenstein’s turned violent.

"These seizures are just the beginning," Riley promised. "We want to send a message to all the illegal oyster dealers that this police department will not rest until the City of New Orleans is an illegal-oyster-free zone."

While Congress and outside flood control experts debate over funding and design, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers announced today their plan to make New Orleans impregnable to Category 5 hurricanes: Roman Candy.

"Many thought decades would pass before a solution could be found," said Lt. Gen. Carl Strock, Commander and Chief of Engineers, U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.

"But our team of scientists and engineers have worked around the clock to arrive at this definitive solution."

While the plan may sound unusual, other countries have their own novel flood control methods.

The Dutch have employed massive, multi-billion dollar floodgates to protect their country, much of which is at or below sea level.

In order to stave off rising tides, Venetians are constructing 79 floating floodwalls, each weighing three hundred tons, with a total estimated building cost of $2.5 billion.

"The levees need to be repaired," said Lt. Gen. Strock. "Sand bags, stone pilings, and other reinforcements have all failed in trying to patch the breaches.

"And since the United States doesn’t have the multi-billion dollar budgets of other countries, Roman Candy seems like the best way to go."

Initial tests to levee models seemed ineffective, but once Corps engineers removed the rolled wax paper surrounding the dense treat, they started to see results.

Said one engineer, "I tried plugging my chewing gum in the leak (referring to the model). It worked for a couple seconds, but then the water pushed through.

"I was thinking we should just get a bigger wad of chewing gum, but then Bob suggested we use Roman Candy. That guy is a genius."

Indeed, Roman Candy does seem cost effective at only 75¢ a stick. Plus, it’s a local business so it keeps government funds circulating within city limits.

Ron Kotteman, better known simply as The Roman Candy Man, has already received a no-bid contract for 4.5 million sticks, a mixed assortment of all three flavors: chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.

Mr. Kotteman has been the one-man mobile business since his grandfather and founder, Sam Cortese, passed it down to him.

Trying to fulfill the order in a timely fashion, he can be seen working day and night beside the London Avenue Canal with Patsy, his mule and sole partner.

Hand-pulling the New Orleans delicacy at a feverish pace, Kotteman commented, "I’m thankful I don’t have to roll 4.5 million papers (referring to the unneeded wax packaging), but I think this job is taking a toll on Patsy."

In yet another sign that life in Jefferson Parish is returning to normal, the Sheriff’s Office today announced that it would immediately resume the killing of nutria in the parish’s canals.

"I know things have been crazy around here lately," said Sheriff Harry Lee. "But it’s about time we get back to normal."

"That’s why I’ve decided to instruct my deputies to resume randomly shooting nutria in public between the hours of 2 and 5 A.M."

Deputies will start on Veterans Highway near the Orleans parish line and work their way west towards Kenner, shining high powered halogen lights into the canal and indiscriminately shooting the temporarily blinded animals.

The deputies on the Special Nutria Tactical Squad, mostly SWAT team snipers, had been temporarily reassigned to handle more pressing duties such as traffic control and property protection.

Deputy Frank Caravella, commanding officer of the nutria squad, said that, despite the 3-month layoff, his men will be ready.

"The boys can’t wait," Caravella said. "It’s been way too long since we’ve lit up one of those hairy little bastards."

"Frankly, I’m relieved," said Metairie resident Maryanne Santangelo. "Just knowing that those [expletive] nutria aren’t running wild is going to make me sleep a whole lot better tonight."

This is the first in a series of articles on decorating your house and garden in a post-Katrina environment.

You moved from Brooklyn to the Bywater in the last five years, attracted by the vibe, low real estate prices, and a desire for "the authentic." Now you’re authentically flooded, stuck in a city with few functioning Starbucks within New Urbanism-scale walking distance.

What’s a carpetbagger-cum-trendsetter to do in these critical fall fashion months?

There’s a fungus among us, but don’t let that smell bring you down.

Embrace the natural patterns that cover your walls. Instead of chic designer rice paper wall covering, you have a living, breathing, ever-changing green and purple design. Free of charge!

With this in mind, the Dutch interior design firm, Vender Levveys Braak will tell you nothing brings out the organic splendor of creeping toxic spores like sunlight.

Have your overly sentimental husband wipe the tears from his face and throw that Pottery Barn end table through your living room picture window.

This process will produce invaluable feng shui. Why? Husband gets to break stuff!

Besides, you don’t have to spend time or money trying to decide on the right window treatments to match the loveseat. In fact, you don’t have to worry about the loveseat either.

Though you and hubby are DINKs (no longer Double Income-No Kids, but Depleted Income NOLA Katrina Survivors), what happens if the pitter-patter of little feet are in your future? Turn that study into the baby’s room!

Are the floorboards buckled and unrecognizable? Is it as heartbreaking as having lost all your newlywed china? Never fear, roller coaster wood floors are in.

What could be more fun for a toddler than a life-threatening obstacle course for a bedroom? You see the skewed tongue and groove boards as trip hazards. Baby sees them as Adventure Mountain.

With the proper perspective and a little imagination, there are countless ways to save.

Young professionals agree that living with mold isn’t so bad in November in Old Orleans. With much of the newly trendy city without electricity even three months after the storm, your moldy walls and ceiling might just glow at night, safely and elegantly illuminating your late night trips to the master bath.

Next month we’ll walk you through the insurance receipts scrapbook.

"Usufruct" is a concept in Louisiana law that comes into play when a spouse dies and allows the use of his or her home to the surviving spouse so heirs cannot sell it.

One reconstruction plan uses usufruct as a basis for people to voluntarily grant control of their property to the government for the purposes of rebuilding.

What do you think?

"Usufruct? Of the Gentilly Usufructs? I think I went to high school with the youngest sister."
--Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly

"Hands down the worst defensive lineman the Saints ever drafted in the first round."
--Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore

"All I know is, if you live near the 17th Street Canal, you’s a frucked."
--C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown

"I love that Muddy Water they have at Usufruct’s. Have they reopened yet?"
--Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District

"Gezundheit."
--Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City

If one good thing has come out of Hurricane Katrina, it’s that you don’t have to do no driving up to Cocodrie for some top-notch fishing spots. There’s been great fishing right in our own backyard.

The Carrollton Underpass at I-10 is shaping up to be a fantastic fishing hole. Last week I caught great perch, sac-a-lait, and lawn ornaments.

And the best part about it, there’s no limit on redfish.

The fish are easy to find. All you’ve got to do look for bubbles on the water’s surface. It’s either a fish or toxic gases escaping up from the sewer.

You’ve got to get out early, though. The National Guard humvees and garbage trucks usually start rolling through around nine, scaring all the fish.

Much has been written about what to do with looters now that the City of New Orleans is returning back to normal. Some argue for stiff penalties, while others advocate leniency as long as the merchandise can be returned.

But to truly understand this question we must put ourselves in the mindset of the looter.

Imagine if you were caught in the middle of the flood. What would you have been thinking?

My home and livelihood have been destroyed.
My city is in chaos.
My life is in danger.

But I could use a new flat-screen TV and DVD entertainment center.

To those wondering what to make of looters, I say I say, I say I say:

Let ‘em have it.
With no problem.

Who cares if you don’t have a house? You need a new bedroom set.

What does it matter if you can’t find any food? You’ve got a brand-new microwave.

Who’s going to notice that you’re a police officer in uniform? Take that Cadillac.

What happened happened. It’s all water under the floodwall.

New Orleans cannot move past this disaster until we accept that the past is in the past and resolve to move forward together into the future.

The Special Man, a New Orleans native, is the spokesman for Frankie and Johnnie’s Furniture.

All opinions expressed in Op-Ed pieces are the solely those of the author. The Creole-Tomato assumes no responsibility for their content.

Since Hurricane Katrina, architectural preservationists and urban planners have expressed concern about the future some of New Orleans’ most famous places.

This article is the first in a series updating the status of these landmark locations and sharing the stories of the people whose lives have been profoundly affected.

Like many in the New Orleans area, Kyle Bonner and Jimmy Castalignetti have been uprooted. Both high school sophomores, the two are concerned about when, if ever, they will be able to return to a place they have spent a great deal of their youth: Puglia's Sporting Goods.

Castalignetti and Bonner, like many of their peers, consider the sporting goods store a home away from home during the Mardi Gras season in Metairie. However, the recent events of hurricane Katrina have disrupted a time-honored tradition of gathering to drink Daiquiris in the store's parking lot. And with damage to the store closing it for several months, the students are uncertain about when they will be able to return.

"We don't know what's gonna happen now," Bonner shared as he stood in the Puglia's parking lot in a soft rain. "Where we gonna watch the parades, bra?"

Castalignetti added, "That's like it, you know? You chill here, you throw beads in the shark's mouth, you see your friends. I don't know man."

For both, the commute from the Chateau portion of Kenner was worth the experience to see famous parades like Caesar and Toth. More important, however, was the impact the high school students had on the local Daiquiri economy.

Remarks Castalignetti, "These [daiquiri] guys really need us. How do they make a living now?"

According to the Metairie Chamber of Commerce, high school students account for an overwhelming percentage of the crucial underage drinking market.

"Let's face it," remarked the Chamber's vice-president, Kenny Tomedour, "Carnival's going to be tight this year, if it happens at all. Without the Puglia's crowd, Metairie Gras just won’t be the same."

The two boys are most afraid that Jefferson Parish officials will fail to comprehend the scope of their loss.

"They don't get it," Bonner explained, "We can't go down to Daiquiri's and Cremes. And down by Dorignaq’s? That’s, like, totally dead—even during Caesar."

For now, the boys wait in the cool fall mist and wonder what will become of their beloved tradition. "Who knows," said Bonner," that shark's mouth might be empty all year. Maybe for the rest of its life."

As many private schools in the New Orleans area struggle to reopen and retain students, the Orleans Parish Public School Board announced today that its schools never closed.

"Katrina hit, the city flooded, there’s been looting, mass evacuations, no power, and no potable water," said School Board President Torin Sanders.

"But we decided to keep the schools open."

"The New Orleans Public School Board is famous for its good decision making skills, and this is yet another example of that."

President Sanders pointed to a key statistic to back the Board’s decision: student attendance did not drop during the storm.

"This is a testament to the quality of education that our schools give. Our cafeterias haven’t been able to receive deliveries, our toilets won’t flush, and we can’t read by sunlight on cloudy days; but the students still come just as they always have, even though we no longer have buses to get them here."

Sanders concluded, "We’re committed to educating our students, and, judging from the lack of fall in attendance, our students are committed to learning."

Move over, Tom Fitzmorris. A new generation of New Orleans food critics is now exploring the delicacies found in their home state’s capital.

Though accustomed to the specialties found in the famous New Orleans’ restaurants like Trout Almandine, turtle soup, and beignets, the displaced gourmands are seeking to sate their epicurean tastes in the safe harbor of Baton Rouge.

Just off I-10 near College Drive, gastronomes can delve into a veritable flood of top-notch corporate eateries.

The world famous family restaurant Applebee’s, the quirky but quaint taqueria Chili’s, and the high-class steak house Outback can be found right off the bumper-to-bumper traffic in sunny Baton Rouge.

"It’s more like a pleasure cruise for the pallet than a long term hurricane evacuation," says diner Gerald Fotenot. "The fajitas at Applebee’s are great for a date night. It’s plenty of food, but you’ll have to ask for extra tortillas."

Trade in your Bucktown seafood favorites for all you can eat King Crab legs at the Baton Rouge Red Lobster. The price is fair at $12.99, and you can’t get more New Orleans than the décor at the Red Lobster. They even have an old oar on the wall, adjacent to a framed Pat Swilling Saints jersey. Kids eat half-price.

Forget the Eggs Sardou and Brandy Milk Punch at Brennan’s. The Waffle House on LA Highway 1 in Port Allen boasts a filling patty melt and viscous fountain Barq’s.

(The Coke is currently out, but the management is working out some kinks in the supply chain.)

If it’s spicy you’re looking for, forget the boiled crawfish and get your paws on a Spicy Cajun Chicken sandwich available exclusively at Wendy’s Hamburger Restaurants in various locations in Tiger Country.

For those of you lucky enough to be in Baton Rouge for the holidays, head over to the Casino Baton for the Nouvelle Orleans Thanksgiving Dinner with Stove Top Stuffing that will make your forget your grandmother’s oyster dressing. It’s available for Thanksgiving Day and four days after.

Bon Appetít, Baton Rouge!

In a cruel twist of fate, Benny Grunch and the Bunch ain’t there no more.

In a posting on its official website, the local novelty band announced that it will disband, effectively ending its recording career.

The group first achieved notoriety with the song "The 12 Yats of Christmas." They then went on to record "Santa and His Reindeer (Used to Live Right Here)" and their now-prophetic runaway hit "Ain’t There No More."

Most recently, the group had entered a new experimental phase, breaking new ground with the song "Ain’t No Place to Pee (On Mardi Gras Day)."

The news came as a shock to The Bunch’s modest fan base.

One posting on the band’s sole fan website read: "I was waiting for their next song. I was hoping it might be something like ‘General Honore is one John Wayne Dude’ or ‘Ain’t No Comin’ Home (When You Get Domed).’ Who knows, maybe they’ll get together for one of those reunion tours."

Fans may hope, but the posting on the band’s official website leaves little doubt. It reads in full:

"All ‘12 Yats of Christmas’ T-Shirts are now available at 50% off."

This article is the first in a series of profiles about how local businesses are cleaning up, rebuilding, and moving forward.

As Katrina approached, Attorney Morris Bart didn’t evacuate.

As the floodwaters rose, Mr. Bart and his key lieutenants bunkered down in a special emergency phone bank in his office high above Poydras Street.

The phone bank was stocked with enough food, generators, and diesel fuel to last a month. So when all of Southeast Louisiana lost power, the phones at Mr. Bart’s firm kept ringing.

"All I’m saying is when you build your entire business on the phrase ‘One Call, That’s All,’ your better have an emergency backup generator for your answering machine," Mr. Bart says.

Morris Bart, PLC became an oasis of free legal consultation in a city of increasing danger and lawlessness.

"I had a lady call me on a cellphone from the Claiborne overpass," says Mr. Bart. "She said the Coast Guard had dropped her there and she needed food."

"I asked her if she had experienced any whiplash or dizziness while she was being airlifted up to the Coast Guard helicopter, because then we might have a claim."

"The phone went dead, but I’m sure we can find her if we put together a class action suit."

At a time when optimism is in short supply, Mr. Bart is bullish on his firm’s future. Where some see disaster beyond comprehension, Mr. Bart sees opportunity.

"Think about what’s going on out there," Bart says. "FEMA’s got big trash trucks rumbling down suburban streets. The National Guard has tired soldiers with itchy trigger fingers. The Corps of Engineers is talking about design flaws in the levees.

"We’re talking millions in potential lawsuit fees. And Uncle Sam has got deep pockets."

No matter what the future may hold, Mr. Bart is proud of what his firm did in the face of the hurricane.

"When everybody else fled, we stayed to serve the people of New Orleans who needed free legal consultations about personal injury," he explains.

"Because I’m Morris Bart and I’m on their side."

Weeks after Hurricane Katrina left New Orleans in a state of chaos and ruin, the Pave Our Lake movement is adding its voice to the growing criticism of the city, state, and federal officials.

"We told you so," said spokesman Wayne Boudreaux at a press conference on Wednesday afternoon.

"For years we've been printing thousands of bumper stickers warning the citizens of New Orleans about the risks posed by Lake Pontchartrain," Mr. Boudreaux continued. "Unfortunately, our warnings went unheeded. And we've all witnessed the tragic results."

"If the citizens of New Orleans had only listened to us, there would have been no water to break the 17th Street and London Canal levees. In fact, the lake could have been used as a staging area for rescue operations inside the flooded city."

In response to the floods caused by Katrina, the group has proposed new initiatives designed to protect the below-sea-level city.

"Paving the spillway, the Mississippi River, and the Industrial Canal could protect the city against a Category 5 hurricane," explained Boudreaux. "We look forward to working with officials planning the reconstruction of New Orleans in the months and years to come."

For decades Jesuit High School students have tried to locate the elusive roof pool which sits atop the building’s fourth floor.

"Seniors have been telling me about it since the first day of classes, but I guess it’s just for the priests who live here ‘cause I don’t know of anybody who’s gotten up there," said 8th grader Jordan Lewis.

But times have changed and improvements have been made. President Anthony McGinn, S.J. recently announced the installation of a new swimming facility downstairs on the school’s first floor, or basement level.

Head Swim Coach Bret Hanemann ’85 proclaims, "Finally we have a practice space on campus. Everyone’s going to want to use this. We’ll have kids swimming at intramurals, swimming in their off periods—Hell, we’ll probably even have kids swimming to class!"

Asked about the new pool, Senior swimmer Cameron Chamberlain ’06 admitted, "It’s really big."

The long undefeated Blue Jays hope this new addition will continue their winning streak for yet another record-breaking decade.

Next meet is set for Tad Gormley Stadium.

Hurricane Katrina evacuees face a different world. Gone are the jobs; the houses; even the certainty of three hot meals a day; and as thousands poured into the Houston Astrodome, Red Cross volunteers became overwhelmed with the onslaught of evacuees demanding to know where they "got they shoes."

Said one volunteer, "It’s true that many evacuees had their shoes ruined as they trampled through waist deep water, but we here at the Red Cross simply did not anticipate this level of desperation in regards to foot attire.

"Once their necessities were met, the evacuees kept demanding of us, ‘Tell me where I got my shoes.’ I would just try to reassure them that although they lost their footwear in the storm, we would do everything in our power to see to it that they received adequate replacements. But this never seems to appease them. They walk off giving us disgruntled stares."

"These people don’t get it," complained Franklin Jackson of Orleans Parish. "They look at us like we’re crazy. We’re just trying to hold on to a bit a home."

Just days before the evacuees were relocated to other shelters due to Hurricane Rita, both Reebok and Nike each donated two truckloads of new footwear to the dome.

"I was just expecting them to say 'on my feet,'" explained Jackson as he tested out his new clothing, "but now that I got me these Reebok AVR’s, I’m planning on starting a group to demand where we got our shirts, our drawers, our ipod, and our bottomless strippers. Let’s see what they do with that."

Red Cross workers in Arkansas where Mr. Jackson was relocated to have yet to comment on his group’s requests.

Hurricane Katrina has resurrected the dying career of Aaron Neville, one of the city’s slightly famous musical artists.

Mr. Neville, whose career reached it's zenith in the early 80s with albums by his family band The Neville Brothers and duets with ingénue Linda Rondstadt, has of late been playing late night gigs at casino boats in Biloxi, Mississippi and Kenner, Louisiana.

His last gig before Hurricane Katrina made landfall was a double-bill with local act The Radiators at the Boomtown Belle Casino in Gretna, Louisiana. The concert featured a free all-you-can-eat rib bar and a voucher worth $20 of slot machine credit.

But today, with the country clamoring for a familiar New Orleans face to give a soundtrack to the tragedy, Mr. Neville is in high demand.

"Two weeks ago, I couldn’t even get the Carson Daly Show to call me back," says Mr. Neville’s Los Angeles-based agent, Martin Fein. "This morning, I just turned down Regis and Kelly."

"At this point, we’ve got to be a lock for The National Anthem at the Superbowl—or at least ‘America the Beautiful’" Mr. Fine continued. "Hell, he may even end up singing a shortened version of ‘Louisiana 1927’ during halftime. It’s all on the table."

Even more surprising than the lack of government preparedness in the face of Hurricane Katrina stands a startling fact: not one of the city’s voodoo priests nor even the famed Jackson Square fortune tellers saw the devastating storm coming.

New Orleans has long prided itself on its clairvoyants whom so many tourists and local politicians put their trust into on a daily basis, but now that trust has come into question. Today, the city council is considering the creation of a special commission to investigate what went wrong.

When asked by the press if her lack of foresight would affect revenue, local tarot card reader Madame Maureen replied, "Yeah, dis messes up ma streak fa sure. I hope nobody fines out about dis, or business’ll be sunk."

Thomas Thibodaux, a regular patron who visits each summer before hurricane season expected better results.

"I think I had me a bad lucky dog dat day," explained Madame Maureen. "I looked into ma ball and I tol’ him it was real cloudy in dere and dat it would be hard to tell. Na afta he gave me de extra five bucks, I checked again and it was still cloudy; so I jus’ tol’ ‘im everything was gonna work out. …On lookin’ back all dem clouds was prob’ly Katrina tryin’ ta give me a sign; but ya know, it’s sorta a trial and erra business open to interpretation."

After being informed that Mr. Thibodaux resides in an unaffected Destrehan home Madame Maureen conceded, "What can I say? Da cards neva lie."

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson M. Robicheaux of Gentilly announce the evacuation of their daughter Maurice Robicheaux with Mr. Henry Washington on Monday, August 29th 2005.

The Evacuette was graduated from Mount Carmel High School and the University of New Orleans, where she majored in Hospitality Management. She was a Reservation Specialist at the Hyatt Hotel in New Orleans. She is currently unemployed.

The Evacucuee was graduated from Brother Martin High School and Louisiana State University, where he majored in accounting and was a member of the Pi Alpha Ro Fraternity. He was an Analyst at Hibernia Bank. He is currently unemployed.

After an evacuation to a Red Cross shelter to Houma and four months in temporary housing in Dallas, the couple will reside in Lakeview.