A Desire to be more “Naturally N’awlins”

They were born in Charlotte, spent some time in Oklahoma City, and now they’re full-fledged locals. But the New Orleans Hornets still don’t sound like they’re from here.

That’s why the top brass at NBA Corporate Headquarters has hired New York marketing and branding experts BrandEssence and Partners to develop a list of new names for the team.

The list, released this morning and printed below, is a result of months of meticulous research by the naming experts, said a league source.

• The Grits
• The Gumbos
• The Roux
• The Flashers
• The Swamp Tours
• The Riverboat Queens
  
• The Open Containers

“We think this list really captures the Spirit of New Orleans—what the city is all about,” said Harvey Mankowitz, Creative Director of Leveraged Brand Integration and Marketing Planning.

“We worked really hard to get this right. We even sent researchers to interview people in Houston and Atlanta to really understand what New Orleans is all about and turned up some really compelling insights.

“For example, it turns out that gumbo is actually a form of soup that they eat down there, which we didn’t know,” said Mankowitz. 

“We understand that it’s also delicious.”

Local fans will be able to choose the winner by texting in their favorites.

“I got a bag full of weed, a Whitman’s Sampler, and I’m off the pill. We’re going to the Fly.”
--Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly

“I’m going to Gordon’s of Gretna to get some plastic flowers. They last all year.”
--C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown

“My man loves it when I melt Velveeta over a Hubig’s in the microwave.”
--Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City

“I’m taking one of my baby mamas on a romantic date night away at the Texas Motel.”
--Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore

“Kenny’s Key West, a couple of buttery nipples, and sex in the back of a limo by A Confidential.”
--Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District

“There’s really no difference between Mardi Gras Beads and Anal Beads. Besides, they keep getting bigger every year.”
--Lance Fratinelli, Freelance Jewelry Designer, Fabourg-Marigny

The New Orleans Vieux Carre Commission today announced that Salaam’s Daiquiri Cold Beer and T-Shirt Café on Bourbon Street has been awarded Landmark Preservation Status.

First opened in 1978, Salaam’s is the oldest surviving example of T-shirt shop architecture.

“All the classic elements are there,” said architecture critic Mathis Eskew of the Tulane University School of Architecture.

“You’ve got 12-foot high frontage windows packed with jester hats and feather boas, alligator-shaped Christmas lights, and offensive, sophomoric T-shirts stacked twenty high.”

“It’s not just about architecture; it’s about history. These shining, authentic examples of New Orleans culture must be preserved for future generations to study and enjoy.”

“I am humbled that the city has bestowed this honor on my shop,” said owner Mr. Salaam.

“Who would have known that plastic boob shapes, marijunana-leaf beads, and dozens of novelty hot sauces would end up being so important to the cultural fabric of our city.”

A gold plaque will be placed on the outside of the store, next to a revolving rack of pornographic postcards.

The vital New Orleans Ghost Tour industry has been rocked by numerous sightings of one of its most famous former practitioners: slain Ghost Tour guide Bartholemew Samson.

Numerous sights of the late Mr. Samson, who led ghost tours for 15 years, have been reported on St Ann Street in the French Quarter.

South Georgia Cosmetic Surgeon Association Convention attendee Doctor Ed Clarence Boney alleges visual evidence.

“From where I was standing I could make out his top hat, cane, rose-colored spectacles and double chin.”

“I was haunted, to say the least.” 

Quarter rat Danny Simeon corroborates Dr. Boney’s story.

“It seemed he was leading a tour of like specters, all from out of town. Ghosts from such places as Cheyenne, Cleveland, Sacramento. I could clearly see them shades ain’t from here.”

In a statement to The Creole-Tomato via Ouija Board, Samson said:

“In retrospect, dying under mysterious circumstances was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.” 

“There are plenty of other ghosts out there who always wanted to visit New Orleans before they died, but never had the chance.  I was lucky enough to be able to find an untapped market of ghosts who want a tour of the New Orleans living.”

For this Valentine’s  Day the Creole-Tomato has reviewed some of the finer local offerings to take the guesswork out of your special date. 

Huge Ass Beer, Wilkinson Alley (Orleans Parish, Louisiana) Reserve 2008 ($5): Tasted side-by-side with their regular normal sized beer, the superiority of the Huge Ass Beer is readily evident and, in my mind, worth the extra three dollars.  As expected, it has more sweet fruit flavors, more apparent oak aging and supporting tannins.  Importantly, it retains nuances of an earthy/leafy character and is not overdone.  It's a harmonious and polished Huge Ass Beer and outshines plenty of other drafts costing twice as much. We’ve paired the Huge Ass Beer with monkfish millefeuille with foie gras and caramelised endives.

Hand Grenade, Bourbon Street (Orleans Parish, Louisiana) Tropical Isle 2001 ($8): One of Bourbon’s most stunning offerings.  A small production quaff, it can nevertheless be found in fine restaurants--especially those which emphasize California wines on their lists.  The 2001 Tropical Isle Family Hand Grenade is simply outstanding; it has lush flavors, with notes of cinnamon and black fruits, and a long finish on the palate.  A Hand Grenade such as this is what has made Bourbon Street Hand Grenades famous worldwide.  Try it with grilled meats, and it will shine.

Frozen Daiquiri, Fat Tuesday (Louisiana) Proprietary Red 2000 (various): The Fat Tuesday Daiquiri, mainly Strawberry Margarita, is one of the most sought-after in the U.S.  As the price of recent Fat Tuesday vintages has been rising, opt for an older vintage, if available. The Fat Tuesday Daiquiri 2000 is still around in some restaurants; if you spot the fabulous 1999 Pina Coloda, jump on it!  Fat Tuesday Brand consistently receives 100-point ratings from major critics for good reason; it's the whole package: power; opulence; complex, rich flavors; and great finesse. A truly memorable daiquiri.

The cloning debate has come to the Crescent City.

With the Marching 100 in such high demand every Carnival Season, the extracurricular coordinators at St. Aug have been in closed door discussions with prominent genetic scientists from Korea and Switzerland.

At a press conference on the grounds of this Orleans Parish institution, Band Director Professor Doctor Reverend Ernest Johnson Jackson Jr. announced that systematic laboratory work has been underway since August 2005.

“We here at Saint Augustine recognize the importance of our students to apply themselves educationally. However, we also understand the compelling need for the Purple Knights to appear in every Mardi Gras Parade there is or ever will be.”

“It’s about recovery.”

German scientist Klaus Krauthosenhoff reports, “Ve have had great early success vith crops, cows, and sheep. A cymbal player is the next logical step.”

Ironically, many marching band insiders have speculated for years that the famous St. Aug marching band has been cloning itself for years.

Beaming with pride, Johnson Jackson Jr., stated: “The challenge is immense. With more marchers on the street, resources will get stretched thin. We’ll have to clone more whistle-blowing mothers to scream at the crowd to stand back.”

GREEN BAY, WIS. -- Not often does a quarterback go into Green Bay in the dead of winter and beat the inimitable Brett Favre.

But it happened Sunday night at historic Lambeau Field, where New Orleans-born Eli Manning led the New York Giants to a 23-20 overtime victory in the National Football Conference championship game. New York will play the unbeaten New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII on Feb. 3 at Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Ariz.
Manning, who prepped at Newman School, celebrated outside the Giants' locker room with his parents, Archie and Olivia, and older brother Cooper and his wife, Ellen.

"I don't think it's sunk in quite yet," said Manning, who completed 21 of 40 passes for 254 yards with no interceptions in subzero temperatures and a wind chill of 24 below, making it the third-coldest game in National Football League history.

 "It's hard to take it all in. I understand the Giants are going to the Super Bowl and everything, but February  3rd is Bacchus. I really can’t decide where to go.”

Eli could try to give the Mannings back-to-back Super Bowl titles. Older brother Peyton led the Indianapolis Colts to a 29-17 win against the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI.

"I know how special it was for Peyton to get there last year and how hard he's worked," Eli Manning said. "But he didn’t have to decide between football and hanging out on St. Charles with his friends. He got to do both; it’s just not fair.”

"You never know when it's going to be your chance. You never know if you're going to get another chance, so you got to make the most of it when you get the opportunity. I missed Mardi Gras last year, and it would just break my heart to miss it again.”

Understanding the immense threat of global climate change, Flambeaux announced today that they are going green.  Under the paln released today, the highly polluting propane tanks worn on the backs of all Flambeaux will be replaced by a clean burning hydrogen fuel cell whose only emission is water.

“We gotta do our part to reduce our carbon footprints,” said long time Flambeu Marlin Boulet.

“We’re also talkin’ about buyin’ some of them carbon offsets down by Rouse’s.”

Funding will be provided by celebrity greenographer Leonardo DiCapri, whose interest in a green New Orleans extends beyond little pink house.

Not to be outdone in the quest for C-list celebrity Grand Marshall marshalling the Krewe of Endymion announced today that the Iron Shiek will ride on Endymion’s front runner float.

After accepting Endymion’s invitation, the Iron Shiek immediately issued challenge to Bacchus’ Grand Marshall, the soft spoken ex-performer for the WWF, Hulk Hogan.

“Hulk Hogan,” screamed the Shiek after snatching the microphone from Mean Gene Okerland.

“You think you’re man enough to be king of all Mardi Gras, meet me in the cage and we’ll find out.”

The cage match is set to be outside the old Shoney’s on the Carrollton neutral ground.  Pay-per-view cost: $59.99.

Bacchus Grand Marshall Hulk Hogan responded, “Brother, whatcha gonna do when the Hulkamania and the Mardi Gras madness comes! Down! On! You!?!”

Hogan concluded his statement by ripping his shirt off.

NOPD is bracing for the arrival of an influx of tens of thousands of Hulkamaniacs in the city by requesting aid from Louisiana State Troopers and the Louisiana National Guard.

Governor-Elect Bobby Jindal has responded in the affirmative to NOPD’s request.

Charity Hospital at University is also preparing triage units in preparation for sleeper hold, pile-driver, and leg drop-induced injuries.

It’s a tradition as old as New Orleans itself.  A new population influx brings new cultures and new community.  The only left to do is start a new Krewe.

Today the New Orleanian Mexican community announced plans to join this grand tradition with the launching of a new Carnival Krewe.

“We’re all good Catholics here,” said Mexican Community Leader Jorge Suarez. “We understand the importance of getting completely ripshit before Lent.”

In a departure from Mardi Gras tradition, Blaine Kern has not been contracted to construct any of the Quetzalcoatl’s floats, as the Krewe itself can build them in half the man hours at half the cost.

The Krewe of Quetzalcoatl will roll on the Uptown Route through Lee Circle on Lundi Gras Day.

In response to the recent Orleans City Council decision to raze four major housing projects, the Bravo Network has expanded its “Project: Runway” franchise into a new series.

Hosted by Victoria’s Secret model Heidi Klum, “Project: Project” will pit teams from the remaining Orleans Parish housing projects in a competition to beautify their homes to keep the council off their backs.

The teams will work with world-renowned architects, interior decorators, and landscapers to perform challenges that will improve their homes and neighborhoods.

The Premiere episode’s challenges are abandoned car and furniture beautification and snitching.

The loser of each week’s competition would be at risk for razing.

“When I signed up for ‘Project: Project,’ I thought we were going to be raising homes, like Brad Pitt,” said Klum.

“This is a little weird.”

9th ward troubadour and wonderkind, Mr. Quintron, and his puppet-show accomplice, Ms. Pussycat, have accidentally played straight trough Mardi Gras.

“Shit!” declared Quintron.  “The organ chops were coming and coming and I guess we just lost track of time.”

In the past, audiences have annually joined Quintron for a night long concert on Lundi Gras that extends to the early morning hours of Mardi Gras. 

This year’s concert marked a departure when the crowd and Quintron just jammed past Rulu and Rex and straight through Fat Tuesday. 

“I thought somebody would’ve reminded me to stop, or at least the audience would just leave and go to a parade or something.”

“Next then I knew, I looked up and everybody had ash on their forehead.  At that point, I signaled to everybody that it was time to wrap up.”

“Knowing that my audience missed the truck parades is my one regret, honestly”

No word yet on Quintron’s plans to prevent the same mistake on his scheduled all night Arbor Day show.

Louisiana’s Gubernatorial election made international news last month.  For the first time in American history, a Kenner-American was elected governor of a state.

As news of Bobby Jindal’s election reached the distant outer provinces of Kenner, spontaneous celebrations broke out in the streets.

Kenner registered voter Keith Lazzo reflected, “First the Berlin Wall, now this, it really restores my belief in this great nation of ours.”

“This really is a groundbreaking day for all Kenner-Americans,” said Kenner Mayor Ed Muniz.

“It’s a vindication of the American Dream. If you work hard, play by the rules, and dare to dream, even someone from Kenner can make it all the way to the Governor’s Mansion someday.”

For his part, Jindal downplays all the talk of history.

“This was an election about the issues,” said Jindal.

“When the good voters of Louisiana looked deep in their hearts and cast their ballots in the privacy of the voting booth, I know the fact that I’m from Kenner never entered their minds.”

“I didn’t know he was Indian,” said one shocked voter from Northwest Louisiana.

“He had enough to overcome that he’s from Kenner.”

Former New Orleans District Attorney Eddie Jordan today announced his next caper: opening a Bed & Breakfast in his Uptown home.

“You’ve had a hard day, you’ve got people chasin’ after you. You’ve been through a lot,” said Jordan.

“Sometimes you just need a ‘safe house’ where you can go someplace where the world can’t find you, lay your head for a piece, and get a muffin in the morning.”

“My door is always open,” Jordan added. “And I’ve thrown away the key.”

In an unrelated story, New Orleans Police is currently investigating Jordan’s longtime girlfriend for allegedly harboring a murder suspect on the lam.

Flanked by his agents, representatives of his corporate sponsors, Mayor C. Ray Nagin, Archbishop Shulpe, Rabbi Bernie Stien of the St. Charles Synagogue, and Pastor Reverend Marla Washington of the New Hope Baptist church, Reggie Bush today announced plans to walk on water “for the children of New Orleans.”

The announcement was immediately met with universal community praise.

“It’s about time somebody walked on water for these children,” said one local resident.

“These kids have been through a lot. They deserve it.”

But not everyone is a believer. Scientists from the UNO Marine Engineering Department have expressed doubt that Bush will be able to complete his journey.

“Don’t get me wrong,” said Professor Franklin Languedoc. “I think it’s really great that he’s trying to help. But it just won’t work, hydrodynamically speaking.”

“Let’s start with baby steps, like a Super Bowl victory,” continued Professor Languedoc.

But such doubts fall on the deaf ears of the truly faithful.

“At least he’s doin’ something,” said another local resident. “Brad Pitt never walked on shit!”

With Halloween just past, parents were looking to celebrate Halloween in a way only New Orleans can: by sending their children into a scary house filled with convicted criminals with minimal supervision and masks.

“This was to be the most frightening haunted realm, I mean house, ever,” said one machette-toting convict in an orange OPP jumpsuit.

“And just because he’s moved on to bigger and better positions in state government, doesn’t mean we can’t still call him Sheriff.”

There will be some changes this year. Most notably the name—and new corporate sponsors.

Children will now have new nightmares because of the “Southern Comfort Presents The State of Louisiana Attorney General Charles C. Foti’s Haunted House Sponsored by Freeport McMoran.”

The revamped haunted house included such new, horrifying rooms as:

The Unevacuated Nursing Home
The Memorial Hospital Euthanasia Ward
The Famous Historical West End Landfill
The Corrupt Orleans Parish Judges’ Courtroom
William Jefferson’s Freezer of Lies
David Vitter’s Whorehouse of Horrors

And most terrifying of all: Waiting for Supplies at the Ernest Morial Convention Center

This is not a joke.

Just because you’re hearing it here, doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Seriously. My Mom lives there and she’s worried.

So it looks like “K-Vile” was just the beginning.

Looking to capitalize on the buzz around the Emmy win for Spike Lee’s epic Katrina documentary “When the Levees Broke” and the premiere of the new FOX series “K-Ville,” Hollywood production companies are scrambling to come up with new Louisiana-themed shows.

It’s a boon to the local film and television industry and a vindication of the Lieutenant Governor’s push to give the industry a new round of lucrative tax breaks.

Here’s a rundown of what’s currently in production:

“T-Town”
A buddy action-comedy about two oddly matched police officers fighting crime Westbank style.

“The J.P.”
A teen drama depicting the trials and tribulations of privileged young residents of Jefferson Parish’s posh lakefront era north of West Esplanade.

“The Zydecos”
A drama about disorganized crime in Southwest Louisiana.

“Dr. John, Medicine Man”
Music legend Mack Rebennack stars as a blues piano player on America’s western frontier in the 1870s who can cure the sick.

“Are You Smarter Than A Chalmatian?”
Based on the hit Jeff Foxworthy game show “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?”

“Deal or No Deal: The Road Home”
New Orleans residents will negotiated with the Federal Government “Banker” to see how much they will get in aid to rebuild.  The Saintsations guest star, holding 30 mailboxes instead of briefcases.

“Chris Owens: Mindfreak”
The ageless adult entertainer pulls off her most amazing magic trick yet: convincing the world she’s still attractive.

Two years after New Orleans reopened its doors from Hurricane Katrina, lack of available housing has allowed landlords to price many would-be tenants out of the city’s housing market. With residential areas slowly rebuilding to create more housing options, logic should dictate that rents will drop; but it seems the highest rents are still to come as New Orleans reclaims it’s highest ground—Monkey Hill.

“First the water rose, now it’s the rent,” complains 33 year old Zach Bougelais, who lives with his parents’ in their one-story mid-city home. 

“This was supposed to be a temporary situation, but people are crazy with what their charging now; so I’m still with my Mama and Daddy, and we’re trying to make the best of it.”

If living with your parents at 33 seems uncomfortable, imagine also sharing that same home with your wife, your two children, your elderly grandmother, your cousin and his out-of-work girlfriend, three dogs, two cats, and a cockatoo. 

“Some days I don’t know what to do,” says Zach.  “It feels like a zoo in here!” 

Actually, Zach, it feels like a zoo out there too.

The New Orleans City Council has just approved plans to develop condos among the lions, tigers, and bears of Audubon Zoo supporting the position that the city’s future lies in above sea-level real estate.

The proposed condominiums have caused quite the controversy with opponents claiming that Audubon Zoo living is “for the birds.”  But, despite their preventative efforts, the plan won unanimous approval last Thursday. 

Council President Arnie Fielkow defended his decision.

“I believe in this development. I told the Audubon Nature Institute to make it happen.  We need it as a city.”

The redevelopment plan includes the creation of three separate residential buildings: an African-themed complex near the rhino exhibit, an Indonesian-themed complex near the Komodo dragons’ lair, and the tree-house-inspired “Primate Village” resting atop Monkey Hill itself. 

The completed development will comprise 113 condominiums altogether, selling for upwards of $350,000 each.  Rents within the complex are expected, like the hill they rest upon, to be the highest in the city, leaving would-be renters like Zach Bougelais once again carrying the proverbial monkey on their backs—literally.

Welcome to the Creole-Tomato Caption Contest! Here’s how to play:

1. Admire the touching photograph to the right, pirated off the web.

2. Write in your caption to thecreoletomato@gmail.com

3. The deadline is October something or other

4. The best caption--chosen by our illustrious staff--goes up on the Creole-Tomato forever!

The New Yorker does it.
So why can't we?

Golden Mayoral Moments

2005: In 2005, former mayor Marc Morial, certain of his relatives, and former associates became the focus of federal investigations into corruption during his administration. Morial's uncle Glenn Haydel was accused of defrauding the Regional Transit Authority of a half-million dollars in a fraudulent bond refinancing scheme.

1984: During Ernest N. Morial's second mayoral term, economic decline and increased conflict with the City Council led to a decrease in the ability of the Morial administration to govern effectively. After serving two terms as mayor, he was prevented by the City Charter from seeking a third term. He twice tried to convince voters to change the Charter to allow him to run again

1935: Walmsley, a member of New Orleans's exclusive Boston Club, moved in the highest social circles of the city. The patrician mayor set a pro-business tone for his administration when as one of his first acts as mayor he confronted a militant strike by the city’s streetcar workers. He also fired almost two thousand black city employees by enforcing a Jim Crow law banning the employment of non-voters.

1920: Martin Behrman, an American Democratic politician, was the longest-serving mayor in New Orleans history. Martin Behrman was from the city of New York.

1880: After struggling to take power from ‘The Ring” Joseph A Shakspeare won office of Mayor of New Orleans. He appointed David C. Hennessy as chief of police. Hennessy’s assassination in October 1890, allegedly by members of the Sicilian Mafia, sparked an anti-Italian riot in which the parish prison was stormed and eleven Italian immigrants were lynched.

1828: Mayor Roffignac sought to develop the city as fast as possible, borrowing large sums of money by issuing "city stock", a form of municipal bonds. He used the money to improve and beautify the city. He resigned in 1828 and returned to France. He died at his château, under curious circumstances: according to the medical examiner called in to determine the precise cause of his death, he had been sitting in his invalid chair, examining a loaded pistol, when he was suddenly overwhelmed by an apoplectic stroke and fell to the floor; in the fall, the pistol fired into his brain.

The Staff of the Creole-Tomato, in somber recognition of this grim 2-year anniversary of the storm has beat the streets in an effort to find out what New Orleanians are doing to mark the occasion.

Greta Falconi of  the 7th Ward has organized seven of her neighbors to relocate their refrigerators curbside for three weeks as a nod to all the lost appliances and sordid odors of two years past.

Michelle Breaux has repainted the orange X on the façade of her Garden District home.

A contingent of senior citizens has agreed to finally evacuate.

The Algiers Point Community League, often called the Algerians, has effectively distributed more than fifteen thousand blue tarp arm bands for school children to wear to classes on Thursday, August 30th.

Pat O’Brien’s, the famous French Quarter piano bar, will be renaming its signature drink for this day only. The barmen there will be serving the "Isolated Showers"

Molly’s on the Market, another Vieux Carre Pub has informed us that at Molly’s it will be business as usual.

Big Chief Brice Mumgumbo and the Wild Yellow Hawk Mardi Gras Indians will be performing in at a nightclub in Houston, Texas.

Politicos have plans as well. Former Councilman Oliver Thomas is planning on looting.

The Honorable C. Ray Nagin will be calling into local radio show "Think Tank" to rant and rave, thereby confirming his candidacy for Governor.

Governor Blanco invited former FEMA Director Michael "Brownie" Brown to Baton Rouge for tea to begin authorship on a Katrina memoir.

President Bush plans on making no comment.

The local flood-protection advocacy group Levees.org gave the Army Corps of Engineers a grade of F in providing interim flood protection and called for an independent, comprehensive "8/29 investigation" as part of its second annual report card on the corps and Congress, issued Saturday.

What do you think?

Sergeant T-Ben Boudreaux, a local satirical newscaster on oldies station WTIX FM, reported during his August 1, 2007 "The News You Need Now!" segment that local satirical newscaster Sgt. T. Ben Boudreaux is not funny.

Boudreaux broke the news during his daily segment on DJ Michael Costello’s "Michael in the Morning" show, which airs Monday through Friday.

"I suddenly realized mid-segment how unfunny my material actually is," Boudreaux said.  "It just dawned on me that speaking in an excitable, frenzied tone does not necessarily equate to good comedy."

"So I broke the news right then and there."

Boudreaux, who also writes material for the equally unfunny Jay Leno’s Tonight Show, has been a fixture at the local oldies station for the past several years.

Boudreaux’s daily segment consists of a tongue-in-cheek mock news stories about local politicians, national celebrities and various topical news stories, ending each of his segments with his signature tagline "Nobody cares!"

Indeed.

Boudreaux’s coworkers, while generally encouraging at the office, have expressed little in the way of surprise regarding Monday’s broadcast.

"Well he always seemed to be enjoying himself, so I never really let on that I didn’t get his sense of humor," said WTIX intern, Melanie Gates.

"I mean, the guy laughs at 'Family Circus' cartoons."

Despite actively reporting on his lack of comedic panache, Boudreaux has no plans to end his daily segment.

"As far as I know, mine is the only media outlet showcasing local New Orleans satire," Boudreaux said.

An inquiry was made as to whether Boudreaux was aware of the "Creole Tomato" to which he replied, "I am not aware of anything of the sort. As a sub par comic, I’ve had enough tomatoes lobbed at me that I am not interested in learning about the various cultivars."

The Tchoupitoulas Street Wal-Mart Supercenter will be closed for the foreseeable future, according to Local Manager, Israel Green, after a riot with subsequent looting erupted last Thursday. 

Reports state the outburst of violence was related to the store's placement of the HBO documentary, "When the Levees Broke" in the discount bin at the low price of $7.99. 

The documentary directed by Spike Lee, which was initially met with skepticism by local residents, has become respected, locally and critically, since it’s airing during the first year anniversary of Katrina last fall.

Lamont Goings, a local customer on hand during the riot, told the C-T, "Hell yeah, I was mad!  I was in the electronics section looking, when I found a copy of that Spike Lee thing in the ‘Junk Bin’ with crap like Pauly Shore and some claymation penguin!"

Mr. Goings reportedly showed the Katrina documentary to his friends, who then became equally enraged at its bargain bin placement.

Mr. Goings noted that if Wal-Mart felt so little value in the documentary, then the decision by him and his partners to take the DVDs, along side some other electronic merchandise, for free was justified.

Mr. Goings, who is currently out on $20,000 bail and awaiting trial, stated. "This city ain’t ready for the Junk Bin without a fight!"

Al Copeland today announced plans for a new venture, a Realty TV series called "The Franchisee."

The show, to be executive produced by Copeland and "Apprentice" creator Mark Burnett, will begin shooting in New Orleans this winter.

The show will pit twelve contestants selected from the Greater New Orleans Area in a competition to start a franchise of a chain restaurant in the desolate, cut-throat environment that is the post-K New Orleans quick service restaurant market.

Challenges will include producing a local TV cartoon show to promote unhealthy fried food to children, staging a giant Christmas light show against the opposition of neighbors, and fighting with local writer Anne Rice in the mediums of full-page newspaper advertisements and fisticuffs outside of Morton’s steakhouse.

Any Franchisee who can get married and divorced three times within the duration of the competition will get extra points. Plastic surgery will earn candidates extra buckets for mopping up biscuit grease.

"The ideal candidate will be both crunchy on the outside, and juicy on the inside, metaphorically speaking," said veteran reality TV producer Burnett.

When asked about similarities between "The Franchisee" and "The Apprentice," Copeland was as subtle as the engine noise of a cigarette boat.

"That show stinks," Copeland said. "And my show will be totally different."

"’The Apprentice’ was about people who wanted to own their own business. ‘The Franchisee’ is about people who want to be forced to focus security cameras on their own employees and install bulletproof glass airlocks between their staff and the customers."

Copeland said that he has his own signature catchphrase—which he’s keeping mum on at the moment—he promises it will be better than Trump’s "You’re Fired."

"I’ve already patented, copyrighted, and trademarked it," Copeland said. "That’s all you’re getting from me."

An anonymous Hollywood insider tells The Creole-Tomato that the catchphrase will sound eerily familiar:

"You’re Fried."

By The Honorable C. Ray Nagin, Jr.

I’m gonna say it once. I’m gonna say it publicly. And I am gonna say it in plain black and white: You-Know-Who caused Katrina.

Many people may laugh at me. Many people may try to hush me up or brush me aside or send dementors after me. But I am not demented, and I am not going to Azkaban without a fight.

I have on my desk a just-published 759-page report which chronicles the history and motivations of a mad-man out to get us. While the names in the book have been changed, you’d have to be under a Confundus Charm not to see the codes of warning hidden in its pages.

Many government officials may dismiss the findings in this report, calling it a "book for children," but I’m not going to make the same mistakes the Ministry of Magic made by ignoring the facts.

There’s a squib on my staff—that is to say, a person of wizarding heritage who lacks magical ability—and this squib believes we muggles—members of the non-wizarding community—must act now before our world is taken over by the Dark Lord.

Now, it’s a very long, complicated report; and, like I said, all the names in it have been changed since the real names are currently being "tracked" by the wizarding community as a way to prevent us from planning any counter-attack.

So, rather than using his real name, from now on I’ll refer to ‘Lord Voldemort’ as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Basically, in an effort to live forever, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named split his soul up and put the pieces of it into various artifacts—or horcruxes—once owned by history’s greatest magicians. 

I believe one of these horcruxes is ‘Zombi’, the still living snake of Marie Laveau, who is so obviously known in the report by the pseudonym Salazar Slytherin.

Stick with me now.

When somebody unlocked the Chamber of Secrets where Zombi has slept all these years, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named whipped up Hurricane Katrina so that the damn snake could swim out of town quickly and without fear of death.

If we wanna prevent another Katrina, we gotta stop worrying about global warming, stop worrying about the eroding coastline, stop worrying about rebuilding altogether, and instead focus of finding that damn snake!

Once we kill that thing, along with the six other pieces of Voldemort’s soul, we can face He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named himself and finally put an end to what started all this destruction in the first place.

May the spirit of Dumbledore and Godric Gryffindor be with us, y’all.

The Honorable C. Ray Nagin, Jr. is the Mayor of the City of New Orleans and a self-proclaimed "Man of the Muggles".

All opinions expressed in Op-Ed pieces are the solely those of the author. The Creole-Tomato assumes no responsibility for their content.

Heeding the warnings of Bill Proenza, the recently reassigned Director of the National Hurricane Center, Senator Mary Landrieu has introduced legislation, S. 1509, to replace the aging weather satellite, QuikSCAT, which is already more than five years past its intended length of service and currently limps along on a back-up transmitter.

Her proposed replacement: Nash Roberts

If QuikSCAT falters, experts estimate that the accuracy of two-day forecasts will suffer by 10 percent and three-day forecasts by 16 percent, which translates into miles of coastline and the difference between a city being evacuated or not. 

Knowing this, however, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), who controls QuikSCAT, has pushed back its replacement until 2016, creating growing public concern.

"The American people look to the government to provide accurate warnings of impending disaster, and expect every tool necessary to do the job right to be made available to the forecasters," stated Sen. Landrieu.

"Nash is the best chance Earth has against hurricanes.  The technology has not been invented that can beat him.  He’s never wrong!"

Bill S. 1509 proposes Nash be rocketed into space armed only with a simple black marker and paper map. There, through the window of his space pod, it’s assumed he can more easily assess the movement of hurricanes and quickly relay the data back down to Earth.

Naturally, the unorthodox bill has its critics. NOAA Administrator Conrad Lautenbacher said:

"Nash Roberts is 90 years old.  He’s been retired like 5 times.  I know people call him ‘the Weather God’ but that doesn’t make him immortal."

Landrieu claims, however, that Earth’s thin atmosphere should provide Nash with the environment he needs to hold out until 2016 when he can be replaced by newer technology.

"Haven’t you seen the movie ‘Contact’?  The old guy in that went into space and lived longer because of the low-gravity.  Nash is going to do the same thing."

The Senate Commerce Committee is expected to discuss S. 1509 as part of a hearing on weather satellites this Wednesday.

Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) broke his silence today, issuing his formal statement since the recent exposure of his philandering ways by self-proclaimed Hustler Larry Flynt. 

In his statement, Vitter said: "Those ho’s better stop snitching."

He added that Flynt was a "hater," who "needed to let a player play." 

In a recent 60 minutes report, Anderson Cooper reported a link between hip-hop’s acceptance of a "Stop Snitchin’" policy discouraging eyewitness informants and inner city crime.

Anderson, reached by the C-T for a special phone interview, explained that he couldn’t see exactly where Vitter was coming from.

"In a city such as New Orleans, where crime and lack of witnesses is such a problem, a Senator that openly adopts this policy is a dangerous situation."

District Attorney Eddie Jordan feels Cooper’s fears are unfounded. 

"I know we may have had to let a case slide or two because of we couldn’t find a witness on the court day or the lack of snitching or, sometimes, I just felt like taking a day off. 

"But this ‘Snitching’ thing may just be turning around with the Vitter case." 

Jordan noted that D.A.’s office has been overwhelmed and that his associates are putting in extended hours due to the informants against Vitter. 

"I got Hos from Washington, Hos from Canal St., Hos from Marrero. Ho, Ho, Ho…lined up around the block ready to start the snitchin’ on Vitter." 

Jordan felt that this could mark a turning point in the City’s conviction rates and that to mark the occasion he would be officially retiring his derby hat.

"It was about time to take a more professional approach," Jordan said.

"And on top of it, with the all those prostitutes against Sen. Vitter around the offices, well, I was starting to look like a pimp."

The Mayor’s Office and the Vieux Carré Commission today announced a new program to help another part of New Orleans community get back to normal.

"Gutterpunks are an essential part of the fabric of our community," said Harry Lesneffer, Chairman of the Vieux Carré Commission.

"To every glassy-eyed teenage runaway; to every pot-smoking trust fund baby in search of ‘the authentic’; to every sweaty, dreadlocked, patchouli-wearing, unemployed bassist with an underfed pit-bull and vicious body odor—we want to say to you: come home."

The new program, called The Home for Gutterpunks (THG), will pay for dozens of city agents to scour the outdoor parks, parking lots, and dark corners of downtown Houston, Memphis, and Atlanta for any New Orleans-based gutterpunks who wish to return home.

Those who accept will be offered bus fare, half a bologna sandwich, and a warm beer.

They will also be given pieces of cardboard and black markers to create new signs for panhandling.

James "Whiskey" Turnbull, the Unofficial Spokesman of the Gutterpunk Diaspora was on hand at the press conference to lend his support.

"I grew up with a different Quarter," states Turnbull, 25, who prefers to be called Whiskey. 

"Kids across the country would hitchhike to the laid back Quarter, where the begging was easy and the people were happy to hand you a left-over beer as much as the shirt off their back."

"This city has got something that nowhere else has," added Whiskey wistfully. "And I hope we can get it back."

"My brothers and sisters have missed our homes on the streets of the French Quarter. And, let’s be honest, there’s something the French Quarter has been missing since we left."

Whiskey has recently organized a nationwide panhandling drive in all 50 states and Puerto Rico after Governor Blanco failed to include a section in ‘The Road Home’ plan specific for homeless teenage punk rockers. 

Whiskey states that the Drive has exceeded his expectations, showing a coffee can with approximately 50 dollars inside. 

"This is all going to the effort to bring home the Gutterpunks of the Big Easy. OK, I might buy a 40 with it, but I swear no smack will be purchased with these donations."

As it struggles to survive in a post-Katrina New Orleans, local educational institution De La Salle has decided to admit boys for the first time.

"It’s a new New Orleans and a new economic reality," said Admissions Director Brother Hal Doufreacheaux, FSC.

"We are an institution that prides itself on tradition; however, we must change in order to survive."

Surprisingly, there has been shockingly little resistance from the parents of students currently enrolled.

"The Cavalier Moms are fully supportive," said Brother Hal.

"They’re even throwing a bake sale on St. Charles Avenue to pay for urinals to be installed in the bathrooms."

Like the title to his newest record, Fats Domino is ‘Alive and Kickin.’

But with Richard Simmons? 

That’s right, the Rhythm and Blues music legend Antoine "Fats Domino" Dominique has teamed up with another famous New Orleans native, Milton "Richard" Simmons, to create a new video workout routine entitled "Sweatin’ out the Fats!".

"Fats’ music speaks to everyone.  And I speak to everyone about fitness using music," said Simmons at a recent press conference. 

"It’s seemed so natural for me to use the music from my home written by a man called ‘Fats’ to help people kick out the fats!"

Throughout the recording process, Domino has understandably been spending hours each day at Simmons’ Los Angeles health club Slimmons; but rumors abound that Fats himself is also noticeably shedding the pounds by pounding out his famous tunes on the piano then dancing to them alongside Richard Simmons and his unlikely crew of fitness assistants ranging from the elderly to the obese.

"Yes, yes.  I’ve been ‘Walkin’ to New Orleans’ and climbing ‘Blueberry Hill’," Fats confirms. 

"My music just makes you want to get up and move.  I don’t know why it’s taken me this long to do it.  But I credit Richard for the inspiration and constant motivation."

"Fats is the inspiration," Simmons generously offered.  "He’s inspired us for generations with his music, and now he’s proving to people from all generations that it’s never too late to lose the weight.  I couldn’t be prouder.  Fats Domino is slimming down-io!"

"It’s no joke," said the artist formerly known as Fats.  "From now on I’d only like to be referred to as ‘Regular’ Domino."

Appropriate for people of all ages and fitness levels, "Sweatin’ Out the Fats" fills store shelves this Thanksgiving.

A shocking story has recently been uncovered in Jefferson Parish. A pre-Rite Aid drugstore, once thought extinct, in southeastern Louisiana, has survived time, economic flailing, and Hurricane Katrina. A K&B drugstore has been discovered which has sent commercially sentimental New Orleanians and local preservationists reeling.

The Creole-Tomato has sent its entire investigative team to the township of Westwego, where this dormant, endangered convenience store operates this very day. Your on-the-spot C-T has secured the exclusive interview with K&B franchised proprietor, Ernold Becnel.

C-T: Are you aware, Mr. Becnel, that the Katz & Bestoff pharmacy and sundries convenience store was bought out by the national drugstore chain Rite-Aid nearly ten years ago?

Becknel: Rite-Aid? What’s that, some kinda 10-K thirst-quencher? Anyways why y’all coming here tonight? We close at 10pm, sharply.

C-T: Mr. Becknel, don’t you realize that K&Bs are extinct?

Becnel:  Extinct?!  I ain’t no dinosaur! I don’t know about any of the jibber-jabber you gentleman are talking about: If I can interest you in some K&B vodka, K&B Neapolitan ice cream or K&B blunts okay; otherwise, l hafta call the New Orleans Private Patrol.

C-T: How have you survived through the hurricane and all?

Becnel: Huh? Hurricane…Betsy? …Camille? …Well business has been slow. But let me tell you…we still sell plenty of K&B playing cards and K&B #2 pencils.  You know come to think of it, it has been a good piece since my last delivery. I am currently out of stock of K&B diapers. I’m waiting. I haven’t heard from them. But that’s neither here nor there.

C-T: Well, sir, actually, it is both here and there.

Becnel: I’ve had quite enough of this tomfoolery. I’ve got to get down to the Schweggmann’s bank to cash a check.

CBS News recently reported that the 18-mile long Hangzhou Bay Bridge has stolen the record for the world’s longest bridge from New Orleans’ own Lake Pontchartrain Causeway.

This announcement marks the first time in history that 18 is considered greater than 24, the approximate Causeway mileage; and has sent confused mathematicians, physicists, and scientists back to their textbooks only to discovery that the age old idiom has been right all along: less is more!

"23.87 is greater than 18," contemplated UCLA Professor Terence Chi-Shen Tao.

"Bigger is smaller.  For thousands of years everyone from Pythagoras to Stephen Hawking has been completing formulas all wrong.  Perhaps this is why Einstein failed math.  He knew then what we’re only discovering now."

British philosopher A. C. Grayling observes:

"We’re not just talking a typo in Guiness’ World Records.  This effects everything.

"Voting, driving, drinking restrictions all must be lowered to accommodate our aging youth.  Students once forced to attend summer school will make Dean’s List this year.  Even religion must be re-examined, for if God is infinite, then we’ll probably find He is really, really small.  Perhaps a dwarf."

Spurred by the discovery that less is indeed more, doctors and scientists around the globe have looked to other common expressions and wives’ tales for inspiration in their work.

They’re learning Mom is usually right:

Chocolate does cause acne.  Laughter is the best medicine.  Masturbation will make you go blind.  And if you consume Pop Rocks, followed by a carbonated drink, your stomach explodes and you die.

CBS News has reported China’s 18-mile Hangzhou Bay Bridge to be the longest in the world, despite the fact that the Causeway is 23.87 miles. What do you think?

"I’ve been telling my public school students for years 24 is less than 18."
--Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City

"Woah. This new math makes me think I’ve been lying to all the wrong people."
--Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore

"18 is more than 24, and I’ve got negative income.  Ergo, Bill Gates better get his poor ass out of my house!"
--C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown

"Lost the world record?  But isn’t it better to be 2nd runner up?
--Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly

"I don’t care how much shorter the trip is.  I’m not crossing that lake to eat at Trey-Yen."
--Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District

Community activists and local law enforcement authorities are expressing concern that the recent federal government deadline to evacuate all FEMA trailers has lead to an increased Romulan presence on the neutral ground (also known as The Neutral Zone).

"The Romulan presence on the neutral ground is in direct violation of the contract brokered between the federal government and the Romulans after Hurricane Katrina," said Captain James Luke Pikirk of the Federals.

"I want to make it quite clear to the Romulan leadership that their continued presence will not be tolerated, and the we will use any methods at our disposal to ensure the Romulans return to their own territory."

While a tacit peace agreement has existed for centuries allowing equal access to the neutral ground for all citizens during the carnival season, the building of semi-permanent Romulan outposts is causing no small amount of anxiety in several neighborhoods throughout the city.

"The cargo hold of my ship has been raided twice since March," said marina resident Leonard Roddenberry. "I don’t want to accuse, but those Tribbles are worth a lot of money."

A local Romulan leader going only by the name T’quarl is asking for dialogue.

"Look, if we could beam all the Romulans to affordable housing, we would," T’quarl said. "But these are trying times for all species."

He added: "The Orleans Avenue neutral ground is rich in precious dilithium crystals."

As of right now the Federation are hesitant to use military resources to deal with the Romulan presence.

"While I insist the Romulans vacate the neutral ground at once, I am optimistic we can resolve this matter without staging military operations," Pikirk said.

The Romulans, despite continuing to build up their presence on the neutral ground, seem unconcerned with posturing by the Federals.

"Let them try to stop my people from rebuilding in the wake of the devastation wrought by Katrina," said T’quarl.

"Besides, their puny weapons are no match for our disruptor beams and cloaking devices."

It’s been one of the city’s most well-known advertising slogans for the last few decades—the famous phrase at the end of every radio commercial for Fat City nightspot Kenny’s Key West.

"Limos by A Confidential."

But now no more.

Kenny’s Key West, LLC (NYSE: KKW) announced that it has placed its estimated $5,000 limousine account into review, touching off what will no doubt become a feverish competition to win the business of the city’s most lucrative nightclub transportation contract.

Industry rumors are swirling as to what brought on the review.

Multiple shooting incidents in the club’s parking lot over the past few months resulted in weeks of bad press, with even Sheriff Harry Lee calling the club "a hellhole."

In a statement, the nightclub’s owner Kenneth Vincent sought to play down speculation that the recent spate of violence had brought on the shift.

"We’ve had a tremendous 20-year relationship with A Confidential," Vincent said.

"But after careful deliberation, we’ve decided to take our limousine work in a different direction."

A rep for A Confidential Limousine declined to comment.

Local reaction to the revelation of U.S. Senator David Vitter’s highly-publicized liason with a Washington, D.C. prostitute has elicited nothing but disinterest in his home state.

While the national press has breathlessly searched for every possible angle on the story, including Senator Vitter’s support for family values and his position as the Southern Chairman of Rudolph Guiliani’s presidential bid, Louisiana voters remain unimpressed.

"Let’s put this in perspective for a second," said local celebrity pollster Silas Lee.

"Right now, Louisiana has a sitting member of the House of Representatives under indictment, an ex-governor serving a prison sentence for bribery, an ex-gubenatorial nominee and ex-KKK Grand Wizard currently serving time for mail fraud."

"And that’s just off the top of my head. So some lady of the evening has his phone number? So f--king what?"

"Well, as long as he wasn’t caught with a live boy or a dead girl..."
--Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly

"My only question is: How’s Dirty Coast gonna fit this one on a T-Shirt?"
--Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore

"Was it that Mother/Daughter outfit on Canal again? You got that phone number?"
--C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown

"What’s his name? Livingston?"
--Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District

"Don’t blame me. I voted for Duke."
--Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City

Secretary-Treasurer of Madams and Prostitutes Local 69 (AFL-CIO) Amber Sparkles has a bone to pick with Senator Vitter.

"After Katrina, this community banded together to support one another and shop local. I just think that our elected officials should set a better example for our kids," said Secretary Sparkles.

She cited the potential impact on the local economy- particularly the loss of business from Airline Highway motels.

"I know those people in Washington have a reputation for screwing people over royally, but we’ve got some got damn fine ladies down here in New Orleans who could really use the business."

Local 69 is considering a one-day John strike out of protest.

The New Orleans East Chapter of the International Brotherhood of Strippers, Exotic Dancers and Steamfitters is meeting later tonight at Visions on Downman Road to discuss a sympathy job action.

Following the lead of numerous cities like New York, London, and Barcelona, the city of Gretna has established a proactive not-for-profit corporation seeking a nod from the 2016 International Olympic Committee.

The recently incorporated Best Bank-Shout Out 2016, LLC will attempt to make a serious pre-bid plea for hosting the Summer games of 2016.

With the obvious economic influx that would follow the awarding of the games, Gretna feels that the West Bank locality could not only handle the burden of hosting, but also offer the Olympics Coalition a positive glimpse of West Bank Culture.

Committee Chair, Amy LaHoste, has presented the Gretna City Council with a series of capital improvement project ideas designed to entice the Olympics Board to award the honor to Gretna. Proposed projects include:

• Converting the looted and burned Oakwood Mall into an Olympic-sized swimming pool.
• Leveling famous historical Algiers Point to build a new track and field arena.
• Installing a mass transit system from the Belle Chasse Highway to that bait shop on Bayou Barriere.

"Once we build the roofless Famous Historical Algiers Point Arenas, all the blue tarp eyesores will be gone," LaHoste points out.

"Also we don’t need to spend money on hurdles, because they can jump or whatever it is that they do under the Lapalco Bridge.

"Also, the Harvey Tunnel is perfect for the 10K. Not only that, we can offer cold, refreshing 10K Sports Beverage to the athletes."

Recent laws passed by Jefferson Parish Councilman Louis Congemi have failed to stop the migration of "Taco Trucks" into the city and has even put Congemi on the defensive after numerous unintended consequences.

In a C-T interview, Congemi felt that his biggest mistake was enforcing all taqueria carts to provide a bathroom.

"I would like to apologize to the good people of Terrytown. You didn’t deserve this," he stated referring to the devastating Terry Parkway traffic jam of last week.

The gridlock, which was induced by a Port-A-Lette that was poorly secured to a moving taqueria cart, has since paralyzed one of the main thoroughfares of the West Bank and may have ruined the summer for many children who patron Skate Country U.S.A.

Larry Breaux of Breaux’s Kool Sno-Balls of Terrytown, near the sight of the "accident," feels he has seen it all.

"Them trucks were popping up everywhere. First, J.P. came looking for permits, but the carts just got mobile, playing Tejano music and goin’ up and down the street like an ice cream truck.

"But that bathroom crackdown, [expletive], that was stupid. The carts would just offer up a jug behind the counter when the police came asking. Then, port-o-johns duct-taped up to the side of the cart! I saw it coming. A [expletive]-storm of the first order. Right in front of my stand. Port-o-john stew all over the place! I’ll tell you.

"I didn’t sell no Sno-Balls that day."

Javier Bendia, owner of the "Amor Ella Pollo" cart chain, states he feels discrimination.

"I want to give. Red Beans & Mexican Rice - that was my idea! I’ve written a letter to Prudhomme about Mexican and Cajun fusion."

"And why doesn’t the guy with watermelons in his truck bed need to provide a bathroom," Mr. Bendia continued. "I guess the bushes are good enough for him!"

Despite the setbacks in his new laws, Councilman Congemi feels the "Taco Trucks" are bad for the rebuilding of New Orleans. "A restaurant on wheels isn’t planning to stay in one place. It’s a moving target that can drop a bomb here and there. Also, getting a taco from a place that looks like a FEMA trailer?

"To me, that just ain’t appetizing."

Most New Orleanians spend at least one weekend on the Gulf Coast during the summer months, and this special section of the Creole Tomato evaluates and rates many popular summer destinations for quality, value, style and the touches of home.

By Congressman William Jefferson

TO: editor@thecreoletomato.com
FROM: wjefferson@house.gov
SUBJ: I Am Wrongingly Accused and Needing Your Help

For urgent business relationship:

I must solicit your strictest confidence in this Transaction. This is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and 'top secret'. I am sure and have confidence of your ability and reliability to prosecute a transaction of this great magnitude involving a pending transaction requiring maxiimum confidence.

I am top official of the federal government who is wrongingly accused of bribing a foreign official of the Government of Nigeria. But I am innocent of these charges. It is not us who is corrupt, but rather that Nigeria Government! 

The money was FBI's money. FBI gave it to me as part of their plan that I would give it to the Nigerian Vice President. But I did not do that. When all of the facts are understood, I trust I will be vindicated.

Unfortunately, this government have frozen the assets ($90,000.00 u.s. dollars) which I had safely stored in my home which I am needing to fight to clear my name.

In order to commence this business I solicit your assistance to enable us transfer into your account the said freezed funds.

However, by virtue of my position as civil servant and member of government panels, I cannot acquire this money in my name. I have therefore, been delegated as a matter of trust to look for an overseas partner into whose account my inside associates would transfer the sum of US$90,000.00 (ninety thousand u.s dollars).

Hence we are writing you this letter. I agree to share the money thus;

1. 20% for the account owner
2. 70% for me (the official)
3. 10% to be used in settling taxation and all local and foreign expenses.

It is from the 70% that I wish to commence the justice of my name.

Please,note that this transaction is 100% safe and I hope to commence the transfer latest seven (7) banking days from the date of the receipt of the following informatiom by tel/fax; 234-1-7740449, your company's signed, and stamped letterhead paper.

The above information will enable us write letters of claim and legal affadavits respectively. This way we will use your company's name to apply for representation and statement of character in your company's name.

I am looking forward to doing this business with you and solicit your confidentiality in this transation. Please acknowledge the receipt of this letter using the above tel/fax numbers. I will send you detailed information of this pending project when I have heard from you.

I thank you for your attention. We go forth, therefore, trusting in God and in his truth to see us through.

Yours Faithfully,

Congressman William Jefferson, 2nd District of Louisiana

NOTE; Please quite this reference number (VE/S/90/99) in all your responses.

While federal prosecutors in Washington are building a case against U.S. Representative William Jefferson (D-La) on 16 counts including alleged bribery, racketeering, using his office to solicit bribes, and obstruction of justice, state investigators have indicted the besieged Congressman on a variety of local charges as well.

The accused faces the following additional allegations as chargeable only in Louisiana:

• Hiring unbonded out-of-state contractors.
• Bribing racehorses at the New Orleans Fairgrounds.
• Inserting the straw into a frozen daiquiri prior to exiting his vehicle.
• Shoving old ladies while attempting to recover Bacchus doubloons.
• Peeing in the bushes during Hermes.
• Dynamiting the MR-GO.
• Charging $20 to park on a lawn near the Jazz Fest and then double-parking the cars.
• Looting
• Dining at the Red Lobster near Lakeside Mall in Jefferson Parish.
• Buying long beads instead of catching them.

"Congressman Jefferson is not guilty; he plans to fight these indictments and clear his name," said his attorney in a statement issued the day of the indictments. "State level agents searched his home and automobile, but realized later that both had already been cleaned out by the feds."
A statement from the Louisiana Department of Justice said, "The things of value allegedly sought by the federal investigators make sense to them. We have recovered the evidence we need. We have some pretty damning trinkets."

Editor’s Note: Economists use many measurements—both formal and informal—to gauge inflation and consumer purchasing power. 

In 1986, the global business periodical The Economist introduced the "Big Mac Index." (http://www.economist.com/markets/Bigmac/Index.cfm)
The index tracks the price of the famous hamburger in 50 countries.

By tracking the price of a single, consistent commodity (a Big Mac in Syracuse, NY is identical to a Big Mac in Singapore), you can judge the purchasing power of global currencies and track inflation. 

Today, The Creole-Tomato is launching "The Hubig’s Index," a sophisticated macroeconomic tool to gauge the health of the area economy and consumer purchasing power by tracking the price of a Hubig’s Pie.

Mayor Nagin and members of the Louisiana and New Orleans Film and Television Commissions are making the rounds in Hollywood this week. 

Their pitch to the studio honchos? If you want to make the greatest disaster movie in American history, you need to film it at the site of the greatest natural disaster in American history.

Big movies with big budgets mean big business. Business that the Crescent City desperately needs. And Mayor Nagin is determined to reel it in.

"This city is a lensman’s dream," Nagin gushed in a cellphone interview while waiting for the valet at Spago to fetch his Bentley.

"So I’m hitting some serious confabs, telling every Hollywood mogul, prexy, and impresario who’ll do lunch that if you’re looking for boffo B.O. biz, baby, C. Ray is your man."

"I’m talking zombies and Mad Max," Nagin continued. "I want Tommy Lee Jones running away from a volcano!

"Blaine Kern’s probably got a volcano just sitting around somewhere in Algiers."

He further elaborated that he was willing to negotiate for tax breaks to offer as incentive for movies in a ‘disaster’ or ‘post-apocalpytic’ genre. 

According to Nagin, major stunts and explosions could be performed in places such as the 9th Ward with little concern for zoning, since so few citizens had yet to move back home. 

"Some people may see destruction," said Nagin. "I see opportunity! Nowhere in America can you find such authentic locales of desolation. 

"I mean, come on, this whole damn city is a movie set just waiting for a crew."

The Mayor suggested if the city were to host the next ‘Die Hard’ sequel, many of the beloved 9th Ward’s concerns about demolition could be solved. 

Bruce Willis was unable to be contacted by the C-T.  His publicist, however, issued this statement:  "Mr. Willis has no plans yet to begin filming the next Die Hard; however, as always he sends his deepest regards to the city."

The Creole-Tomato was privileged to be granted an exclusive interview by the news anchor turned fashionista, Roop Raj.

C-T: Mr. Raj, thanks for sitting with us. We know you are a very busy man. You started off as a dashing young reporter for local New Orleans news channel WDSU. Two burning questions: Why fashion? And why now?

RR: Thanks for asking. Luminary newswoman Hoda Kotb mentioned to me that my fashion sense was different from most of the other newsmen in New Orleans. It was as if my fashion sense was speaking to the viewers in an even more sensual baritone voice than my usual exquisite delivery.

I knew at that point I had a responsibility to the young men of New Orleans and, one might say, even the world.

C-T: What is your inspiration?

RR: Oh, that’s easy. Dan Rather, Oleg Cassini, The Two Tommys: Brokaw and Hilfiger, Blain Kerne, Al Scurmuza. 

C-T: You are about to premier your international fashion line at an upcoming local event. Tell us about it.

RR: Good question. Accessories should enhance the ensemble without overwhelming. Here are some tips:  hold microphones in front of the top button of the jacket to maximize tie exposure; nametags should be worn on the lapel, not the breast, to ensure they get caught on camera.

C-T: Right…What about the event?

RR: Think Man-on-the-go. Maybe there’s a hurricane approaching, but you’ve got a newscast to deliver. There’s a million people out there waiting to see you…Even if you’re in distress, even if you’re on the run, you gotta look good. An old wise man once said it’s better to look good than to feel good. I believe that.

C-T: Great…And the event?

RR: Intriguing Inquiry. "Simply Raj," which is the name of the show as well as the line of clothes—and possibility a new aromatic body scent—will be held at the Lakeside Mall next Thursday at 3pm. Music will be provided by DJ Angelico. Modeling for "Simply Raj" will be the svelte Dennis Woltering, the debonaire Eric Paulsen, the suave Dan Milham, and finally that sartorial genius, Norman Robinson.

C-T: Sounds unmissable. Wrapping up…newsman, designer, what does Roop have planned for the world next?

RR: Picture this: Brian Williams wearing "Simply Raj."

As the Saints prepare for what looks to be another winning season, not everyone is happy with Coach Payton and the Boys in Black and Gold.

Aint’s Fan and Gentilly resident Jordan Samson doesn’t want to be in that number.

"I feel betrayed," says Samson. "I feel like my team abandoned me."

"After Katrina, everybody was afraid that the team that they knew and loved would leave town."

"In my brown paper bag eyes, they did."

"I remember going to the games with my Dad, putting on our brown paper bags, and cheering when Wade Wilson got hurt," Samson continued with tears in his eyes. "I guess those days are just gone."

Although the team flirted with success in 1992, becoming the NFC West Cha-Champs, playoff success eluded them, making them one of the league’s least successful franchises.

According to Samson, that’s the team he wants to root for.

"What I am going to do with this bag?" asks Samson. "It’s got holes for eyes and a mouth. You can’t put milk in there. The structural integrity is all shot."

Master Chefs Paul "The Pulverizer" Prudhomme and Emeril "The Mincer" Lagasse have agreed to face off in a vat of decadent, but airy, divinely rich chocolate mousse a la women’s mud wrestling in an effort to raise money for displaced Vieux Carre cooks, Harrah’s New Orleans announced today.

The event, called "Chef-Mania!" will take place Saturday, August 11th, typically the hottest day of the year.

Emeril Lagasse is training in Los Angeles under the tutelage of short-shorts guru and St. Aloysius Alum, Richard Simmons.

Prudhomme, however, is working in New Iberia with personal mobility device manufacturer Hoverround on a new, secret scooter in preparation for the gooey match.

Details on the device are a closely guarded secret inside Prudhomme’s New Iberia Compound.

But Hoverround spokesman Herb Smedley gave reporters a sneak preview of the device.

"We are the only manufacturer that can provide specialty and standard power wheelchairs factory direct to your home," Smedley said.

"Our total control and integration enables Hoverround to provide the most responsive after-purchase service. It's a unique and meaningful advantage In Chef Paul’s case, we are proud to have developed a chair that glides through the viscous dessert like butter."

Harrah’s is using the much-anticipated wrassling match to promote their "Road Home Check Special."

Producers of the hit ABC TV show "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" announced today that it will no longer accept any applications from the Greater New Orleans area.

"We just have too many logistical issues," said Executive Producer Tracy Hampton. "For example, how do you hide a reconstructed house behind a bus when the house is on 12-foot pilings?"

"We know there are a lot of needy people in the New Orleans area," Hampton said.

"But let’s face it; the rest of the country just doesn’t care."

"Last year, Landrieu kept talking about Biotech. Why don’t we put some of that in there?"
--Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City

"A K&B Museum."
--Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly

"The Crystal Factory?"
--C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown

"One word: Mayonnaise Condos."
--Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore

"How about a factory that makes actual blue plates?"
--Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District

Taking a cue from the enterprising criminal element of New Orleans, Federal agents from the Secret Service and Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms today announced a new contract to purchase firearms from Elliott’s Gun Shop on Jefferson Highway.

"In the past five years, guns from Elliott’s have been connected to more than 125 murder investigations and over 500 drug crimes in the New Orleans area," said Agent Malcom Berglund of the ATF.

"Clearly, they offer quality products at reasonable prices that have a long track record of performing as advertised. That’s what we’re looking for in a federal government vendor."

"The American taxpayer can rest assured that we’re getting the best possible prices. With Elliott’s latest big tent sale, we just drove up and browsed through hundreds of guns for as long as we wanted."

But price wasn’t the only issue. Agent Berglund also cited the shop’s sterling reputation for customer service as another reason why they won the contract.

"Elliott’s really cuts out all that pesky red tape you get when trying to buy a gun at other stores.

"They fill out all the paperwork for you, including your signature. And they’ll even provide you with a brand new social security number, which is great because it’s kind of tricky to remember your own all the time."

Agent Berglund expects to take delivery of the new firearms immediately. Federal agents have already been seen at the shop with a moving van, hauling off the government’s purchase of hundreds of firearms and thousands of rounds of ammunition.

The massive purchase must have been a huge financial windfall for store owner Herman Eicke. He and employees Timothy Harris and Rebecca Zitzman have not had to return to work since the government’s first visit last Wednesday.

An anonymous source inside the Louisiana State Attorney General’s office has revealed that recently named Ochsner Chief of Medicine Momus Alexander Morgus, MD, also known as Morgus the Magnificent, is a "person of interest" in the death of Ochsner Head of Surgery, Chopsley, during the chaotic days after Hurricane Katrina shattered New Orleans.

CNN first reported in October that staff members at the medical center had discussions with Morgus about euthanizing Chopsley for the good of the "Higher Order" even before the hurricane flooded the city on Monday, August 29, 2005, cutting off power and stranding hundreds of thousands of residents.

Investigators for Attorney General Charles Foti have seized E.R.I.C. from Morgus’s personal laboratory near Pirate’s Alley.

A source close to the investigation said, "Though we assume the Eon Research Infinity Computer—essentially a human skull connected to a molecular integrated circuit which holds all the knowledge of the universe in his memory banks—would have first-hand knowledge of the incident, E.R.I.C. has been less than cooperative.

"Frankly," he continued, "the machine’s deep, sepulchral ‘Yes, Master’s seem a little sarcastic."

When sought for comment, Dr. the Magnificent said in a written statement:

"As we plunge into another new year, I'm pleased to announce that Cox Communications will continue to air my experiments on Cox 10. Look for the latest installments at the usual time on Friday nights, followed by a remedial broadcast on Sunday. Please consult your local listing for times, and contact Cox directly, if you have questions about program availability in your area."

1993: Zebra reunites to rock 22nd farewell tour at Mudbug’s on Belle Chasse Hwy

1991: Tastee Donuts becomes Tastee Restaurant

1979: Young Harry Lee takes "Sheriff" literally and dons cowboy hat.

1974: New Orleans Original Daiquiris opens first drive thru in Metairie

1944: Local Inventor Andrew Higgins gets fired from Avondale

1929: At Jesuit Graduation, the only humble, modest senior receives diploma.

1880: Storyville Madam dreams of a better place for her child. City Park’s Storyland is born.

There is one bright spot in the New Orleans’ slow economic recovery: sales of Fleur De Lis tattoos are booming.

Snake’s Tattoo Parlor of New Orleans yesterday announced plans to develop a drive-up tat-shop at the high profile Uptown intersection of St. Charles and Napoleon avenues.

The site is currently occupied by a Rite Aid drugstore that never reopened after Hurricane Katrina and is being demolished. Richard "Snake" Richaud, 53, plans to begin building his branch during the third quarter of this year and officially open it by the first quarter of 2008.

"We were looking to expand our presence Uptown to meet the needs of individuals in that part of the city," Snake said.

"It's just a vibrant neighborhood. And with all these youngsters getting Fleur-de-Lis’s on their backsides and whatnot, it’s a no brainer."

The new location will employ four people who will staff six drive-up lanes. There also will be one drive-up piercing lane. It will have a lobby equipped with an ATM, a daiquiri machine, and an electronic kiosk from which customers can check online banking information.

The new location at St. Charles Ave. is intended to replace operations at a Marrero branch.

Richaud has been steadily renovating and reopening branches shuttered by Katrina. On April 23 the inkster reopened his branch at South Claiborne Ave., and on April 30 he reopened his Eastover branch in eastern New Orleans. This summer, Snake’s Tattoo Parlor expects to reopen branches on Canal Street and Canal Boulevard.

"They just can’t get enough of them Fleur de Lis’s" Richaud affirmed.

Customer Monique DiGiovanni says, "Getting this tat, is so @#%ing awesome. It’s like my own way of rebuilding New Orleans and stuff."

The Starbucks Coffee Company announced plans today to open a new location in Jackson Square's Lower Pontalba Building.

The space at the corner St. Ann and Chartres—previously occupied by bakery La Madelaine for 23 years—is just one block from one of New Orleans’s most cherished institutions and tourist draws, the world-famous coffee shop Café Du Monde.

So how will the new world-famous coffee shop compete? By bringing a Starbucks twist to an old favorite: the beignet.

"The new Fair Trade Certified Starbucks Beignets are certified to be made of 100% organic flour and deep-fried in 100% organic lard," said Starbucks Southern Region Spokesperson Sheila Trandy.

To become Fair Trade certified, a beignet must meet stringent international criteria. Producers must pay a minimum price of $1.26 per pound for powdered sugar and flour, providing much needed credit to growers.

Fair trade guidelines also ensure that certain criteria are met, including decent working and living conditions, freedom of association, access to capital, and environmental practices.

None of which are currently available to New Orleans residents.

But beignets are not the only nod to local culture Starbucks plans on making. They’ve been studying Café Du Monde for years and are sensitive to what local customers are looking for.

"We will also have special training for our baristas in this special location," says Starbucks spokerperson Trandy.

"Our Jackson Square training program will train each barista to let customers wait at least 5-8 minutes before taking an order, mumble barely comprehensible English, and take a smoke break every half-hour before returning to work without washing their hands."

Dear Editor,

In reference to your story entitled "Proposed Jackson Square Starbucks to Serve Organic, Fair Trade Beignets," I for one would like to applaud commitment of the Starbucks Corporation to the recovery of the City of